Love.. What is it anyway?

Dear Ava,

You know I always write to you when I feel happy or bogged down. Today I feel confused, I feel happy, I feel miserable, elated, troubled, excited, anxious and peaceful. Confused Ava? Well yeah, that’s what I’m talking about.

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That four letter word called ‘love’ which has immense control over human beings, so much so that it makes them, breaks them or even kills them. People talk endlessly about love based on their experiences.

So I’m wondering, why is that the whole world revolves around it? Why do we humans constantly need someone or something to make us feel complete? Haven’t we been made as a complete human being irrespective of a person or a thing that exist in our life??

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People fall in and out of love! What is that supposed to mean? That you could actually ask love to leave! What about memories, won’t it haunt you?

I am astounded by the effect love has on we humans. Just as we believe in God, a power above us all, we blindly believe in the definitions of love given by people who probably didn’t even know that as time changes, the meaning of love would change. Have I got that right? Because ‘love’  has become a convenient term. Like a colloquial term that has different meaning at different regions.

Honestly I don’t know what love is. It’s curtailing, exhausting and time consuming as described by many. Love is equated to money by some while others equate it to sex. I am intrigued by it’s varied definitions and explanations.

I have been in a relationship for a very long time. At times I feel I cannot survive without this person another time I feel I am better off without him. Another time I am wondering if this is what I want and yet I am sure this is what I want. How is this love when I feel so many different emotions. Or are you supposed to feel this way?

I feel happy over someone’s joy and sad over their troubles, I feel nice being pleasant and disturbed when I hurt someone. I feel compassion for the miserable and anger for the tortured.  Is this love? I want to hug everyone who makes a difference in my life and talk to people who try to make it bad. I want to lie down with my entire student population on a paddy field under a warm sunny day and narrate a story, a story they have never heard of. Is this love?

Also, recently I discovered I like someone. As in, I enjoyed his company, I wanted to be with him longer, hated goodbyes, liked listening to his voice and he was stuck in my mind all day. So is this love?

But then again, I still think my boyfriend is the one who I want to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t compare him with my boyfriend nor do I wish I want to live with this guy, but I simply can’t get him off my head. I go to bed with a heavy heart, I don’t know what it is, but it hurts. I want to text him, but I know he won’t really care. I have never thrown myself on someone like I do with him. My only physical contact with him is holding his arms while crossing or climbing, lying on his shoulder while watching a film or while riding on a bike. So it’s neither emotional nor physical attraction. So what is it? Why do I feel the way I feel? I don’t feel guilty, but sometimes I ask myself if this is wrong. He explains why we can’t be together but somehow I am not looking to be a couple. I really don’t know what I’m looking for. I annoy him a lot, I try driving him away, but I don’t want to. I have begun resorting to alcohol as ways of escapism, I try painting, cooking, cycling almost everything, but nothing helps. End of the day, my thoughts reel back to him.

In my 8+ years of relationship with my childhood sweetheart, not once have I thought about another guy nor have I felt so drawn to someone like I feel about this guy. He doesn’t make me feel special, but is always there for me. I just have to call him and he’s there. He won’t comfort me or try soothing me, but his presence soothes me and heals me. His smile, smile of innocence is so pure and magical. I catch myself looking at him all the time, when his gaze shifts to mine, something explodes in me, and when he lifts his eyebrows and gestures a ‘what?’, I just want  to throw my arms around him and hold him tight. I don’t feel like I’m being unfaithful thinking about him, I feel elated and calm, but sometimes I sit on my bed and cry, I cry until my heart feels light and I go to bed. Why I cry? I really don’t know. This state of mind sometimes makes me dull, but sometimes gives me a different sense of power, like energy of some kind.

I really wish I get over with this feeling and just be normal………

Somehow I don’t know if ‘love’ exists. Maybe all emotions together is called love. Because people make love sound like a social control, and I don’t see it that way.

Love…………. What are you? Who are you? Are you even real?

-Sue

 

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