Lost a part of me forever!

​With you leaving, I lost a part of me!


I am feeling insane day by day. It is misery that has become my best friend and seems to be there for me at all times.

Off late people have begun questioning me, blaming me and judging me constantly; I have been keeping mum through it all. I smile and nod or look down in shame,not ashamed of myself but ashamed that I gave you my heart.
I was angry at me for having trusted you with my feelings. And I was heart broken that in the end I didn’t mean much, did I?

You took what was so personal and special between us in your hands and decided to crush it under the heel of your shoe. Like all that mattered was just You and nothing else! You had your priorities and I don’t blame you for that. “They” meant everything to you, I guess or I could be wrong like always. But I wonder who were “they” when you fell for me babe? Did “they” become important when you decided to let go off me?

What happened between us was something I treasure and you destroyed it; not for me, but for yourself. You brought it out in the open making it seem as if our bond was trashy and meaningless. I swallowed the pain because I knew that doing what you did gave you a sense of liberation from guilt and made you feel pure. But think about it babe.. You gave me up!

You spat out words of disgust and demeaned me and I sat through it all. You made me feel so small and ashamed of myself, something no one has ever done. It wouldn’t have mattered even if someone else did, but the fact that it was you, tears me apart.

Today, I am happy with myself, for I chose not to spit those words back at you but instead refrained from it all. I feel way above you for not having acted like a saint and behaved like a devil! You made sure that you felt like the victim and I, the accused. Not one cared about how I felt but all they did was empathise your ‘BRAVERY’.

But babe, we both know the truth and I still don’t hate you, I could never hate you or be mad at you. For my love was no ordinary love that was meant to just marry you or beget children with you. My love for you was so wonderful that it was way above mere wanting to quench our bodily urges…. It was a love that was unconditional, love so pure and raw. I don’t think you’ll ever understand babe, my love for you is for eternity. It has nothing to do with “just” being a couple and doing the regular stuff, but it was and will be a love that is way beyond my aptitude to put it into words!

You have told them your stories but I will never tell them mine. Not because of fear babe, because I am beyond being afraid today. But what was between us doesn’t need to be explained to anyone and because I gave you my word. And what the hell? I don’t owe them any reasons for ‘you and me’. I don’t care if you think otherwise.
I don’t care what the world now thinks of me today babe. But only I know the kind of love I had for you and it will die with me.

I don’t regret we met, but I wish we never became strangers.. But it was inevitable.. You said it was my decision, and that I take blame for it.

I thank you for making me heartless all over again! For helping me find my old self that was lost long ago.

Hope you find all the peace,with me gone forever!

-Sue

Enigmatic Effect

Something I connected to.. Beautiful!

Ramblings Of A Bilinguist

I hear my phone ring and my heart skips a beat. I look at it and see an unknown number and it beats faster than before. In that split second before I answer the call, I hope beyond odds that when I tend to that call I’ll hear your familiar voice, one that I’m in fear of forgetting. I finally answer and it’s an automated message. I hold back from throwing my phone across the room, knowing fully well that my phone had nothing to do with it. The anger rises, but I know that if and when I am to see you again all that hate will dissipate and all that will be left behind is that innocent school girl infatuation doubled up with emotions so great that I would end up forgiving you for something you never did to begin with.

Why do we all meet people who…

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I miss you….

​”I miss you so” I sigh aloud a hundred times  everyday.

I can’t tell you how hard it is to go through a day without having to think of you. I religiously check my phone everyday hoping to hear from, but in vain. It aches my soul to be so far apart yet I respect your decision and so I haven’t reached out. I promised not to bother you and no matter how much it tears me apart, I am trying,trying so hard.

 I wake up each day hoping it was all just  a bad dream and that I still had the liberty to call or text you. But my status as being “blocked” remains the same. I don’t know how long I can pretend and go on….

I was listening to “our” song and tears rolled down my cheek. Katey notice d and she grabbed my hand. 

“Wanna talk?” she inquired. I shook my head gesturing a ‘no’ and rested it on my desk.

‘Why? Why? Why? Do we have to go through this pain?’ I cursed myself.

I went on with my work. But you were stuck in my head.

I checked my phone again.. Still blocked and nothing from you…

I checked again.. And I froze. There were messages from you. It was so dramatic to think of it now..

I felt like I could breath all over again. Like I was alive again and after days I smiled like before. A smile so true that came right from my soul.

I typed out a long text in my excitement. But before I hit the send button, I stop myself. 

Should I or should I not?

My head is reeling with excitement, happiness and yet I feel saddened and insane..

I miss you…

-Sue

Who she is…

I witnessed a husband and wife have a brawl on the roads yesterday. It shocked me at how even the educated behave uncouth when anger clouds their mind. The woman could take it no more, so I inferred fully aware that it was none of my business. When I tried to intervene, the man spat filth at the both of us! Thats it, I had enough. I gave him a piece of mind and warned him that when he brought his personal matters to the road, it was a matter of public concern. I also gave him a earful and swore that I would rip his skin apart if he ever used that tone on me or any other woman ever!

Something inside me burned a flame like never before. And this is what I wrote.
Who she is….

You can hurt me, break me or make me cry,

Kill me, even burn me or bury me alive.

But trample on me or spit on my face,

I make sure you are dead, without a trace.

-Sue

Polaroids

Something really beautiful I read today..

esprvsso

There are some moments that you will never be able to erase from your memory, no matter how hard you try. And believe me, I’ve tried. I’m picking through my brain, trying to unlaced our fingers, trying to lift my head from where it rests in the crook of your neck, trying to peel myself away from the perfect curl of your arm around me. I’ve tried to forget your beautiful sleepy, hooded eyes and the way your alcohol-laced words sounded as we said goodbye. I’ve tried to forget how comfortable you felt; how right the moment felt; how happy I felt, that everything was finally falling together, the pieces aligning themselves perfectly.

I’m trying to bolt every window and door shut, so maybe you’ll stop sneaking up on me every free moment I have. I can run as far as I want, but I think you’ll always keep time…

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I’ll never forget you!

My player played the saddest songs.. It was like my playlist knew excatly how I felt today..

Gotye sang about his heart being a mess.. Wasn’t mine too? But how? I punched my pillow and let out a heave! We were clear about being together for just a while. How did I let it get twisted? We were not meant to be, I told myself. Tears trickled down my cheek. She warned me in the beginning. She said she wasn’t gonne be there forever,how did I let myself get lost in her charm. Oh yes, she was amazing to be with. “Shania”, I sighed.

Her smile; a million stories to tell,her eyes; treachery and her hair; soft and silky brushed her cheeks. She wasn’t that perfect beauty that media screamed out for women to be, but she was that perfect person from inside. Her heart so pure and raw. She was an angel on the inside and a freakin devil on the outside! I punched my pillow a hundred times,like it was ever going to help!

“Shania!” I cried out loud.

I was sure I was never going to give her my heart, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t help but lose myself in her magical spell.

 “She was a schemer, she broke my heart!”, I told myself. 

But she didn’t lead me on. She always told me that she wouldn’t stay forever. I let myself believe that it would last forever. I hated this misery I put myself through, I have to get over her becasue she would never be mine!

That cursed day when she came by…….

It was summer and I was out with friends for a drink. We were down few Vodka shots. I am not much of a drinker, but it was usually boredom that led to drinking. The pub thronged with people; over crowded tables. The youngsters laughing, singing and talking theatrically,the older ones  trying to enjoy their drinks and food but at the same time glaring at  the loud obnoxious kids and we the midlife ones just glugging drinks, having pointless conversations and gorging on all the junk that was on the menu. The music was blarring amongst all the noise in the room and the smoke, the smell of meat and alcohol engulfed the room.

We ordered our usual, pork ribs, fried sausages, fries, barbecued beef wrapped in bacon strips, pulled pork sandwich, huge bowl of fried mixed nuts and oodles of southwest and chipotle dips to go with all the meat.

Yeah I was having a midlife crisis! I was 29 years, single and owned a library in the town. My life was pretty much dull and mundane and proved to be horrifying at times. I did similar things everyday and monotony prolonged through the weekend; the guys, dinners, drinks and night stays. I wasn’t the kind to venture beyond my comfort zone, let alone pick a girl out of a pub, although I pretended to be ‘that’ guy who prefered casual relationships. I liked the impression the guys had, they thought I was committment phobic and enjoyed one night stands. In reality, I was those serious kinds who believed in true love, soul mates, passion and mystery. I have had relationships in the past but they all lacked spark and so I let them slide. I have never felt “true love”, the kind that makes a man go insane or makes him feel elated.

I got out to breathe some fresh air and obviously to smoke. It was drizzling and the breeze was chilly. I took a wiff of the cigarette and blew out a thick smoke. Suddenly through the smoke passed a girl, choking a bit yet smiling. She grabbed the door and let herself in. I took a peak into the window; her hair was wet, a grey tee clinged to her body and her denims fit her right. She tried to dry herself and suddenly turned around to catch my gaze. Busted! 

What was I thinking? She was way too young and here I was checking her out. She winked and smiled before getting lost in the crowd. I laughed nodding my head and continued smoking. Rooney, Allen and Sam joined me and we continued to breathe in more nicotine. Yeah, drinking and nicotine are best friends! One can’t exist without the other I justified.

We went back in and I don’t know why, but I was scanning the room for her. Her pretty smile and the alcohol in my system is probably the reason why. “Looking for someone?” enquired Rooney. I suddenly snapped out of this illusion, “Oh yeah looking to order some beers dude!” I lied. I went up to the counter and ordered couple of beers. Suddenly there was a pat on my shoulder, it was her! Brown eyes, chubby and cheerful. “Looking for me?” she winked. “Aaahhmmmm” I blushed. “Shania!” she held out her hand, “Lester…. I mean Allester” I responded with a handshake. She giggled. “Nice meeting ya Lester! Care for a drink?” she shoved the beer into my hands before I could open my mouth. We said cheers and even before I could take a sip or two she had polished the bottle.

 “Wow!” it slipped out of my mouth. 

She smiled and ordered for more. We got to talking. I infered she was new to town and she was studying Fashion designing at one of the reputed colleges  here. She was barely 21 which made me feel so old. 

It was past 3am and she was pretty drunk, not that I wasn’t,  yet I offered to walk her home. She could barely walk and almost stumbled at every step. She kept mumbling that she’d never trust someone so soon, however she seemed really comfortable with me. Half way through I realized there was no way I was going to get her home and so I asked her if she wanted to crash at my place with my sister. She was barely awake to answer. Reluctantly I carried her upstairs, she looked peaceful with her arms drapped around my neck.  I put her to bed and my sister stood staring at me. She looked really annoyed but I asked her to be nice and promised her that it was just for a night. She looked really mad at me, because this is not something I have ever done.

Next morning I found a note next to my bed,

Thank ya so much for last night. I had so much fun doode. And yeah, I felt like I was at home.. Thank you once again. I made some coffee for ya sister and ya, hope ya enjoy it. Call me if can: 9738500246

Shania xoxo

I didnt know if I had to call or just let it be. I went about my work and had forgotten about her. Surprisingly it was a busy day. My sister ran a cafe inside the library a d that brought in customers. We had few regulars who would order a coffee and pastry and settle down with a book. My sister would constantly wink at me every time a young lady walked in. She repeatedly said it was time I found someone. But haven’t!

Weeks later I went out for a walk. I lit a  cigarette and suddenly someone snatched it from me, “Damn!”, I was going to throw a fist fight, but I heard that familiar giggle. She took a drag and let out smoke on my face,”angry much?” she asked. 

“Hey Sh……” I was caught off guard. “Oh wow! Forgotten my name? Shania! This was for not calling me back” she blew smoke again.

 “Oh stop it!” I barked. 

She looked a little petrified. She handed the cigarette back to me and stood there digging the ground with her shoes with her head hanging on her neck and a cute pout.
I patted her on her head and she made a puppy face. I was laughing. “Don’t ever make that pout”, I warned her with a smile and she continued doing so. 

I looked at her angrily and we laughed. “Groggy”, she named me. 
We started hanging out more often. She was actually an exchange student she said. So I figured she wasn’t going to be here for too long. I felt so much younger and it was weird how well she got along with me. She spoke about art, books, cooking, cars, computers, philosophy and what not. She was just too smart for her age. She followed me every where, texted me and called me often. She was literally chasing after me.

One night she called asking me to come downstairs. I walked down and she was standing there in a bad shape. Pissed drunk and her eyes welled up with kohl dripping. She tried adjusting her hair as soon as she saw me. I stood there looking at her, a little shocked. She threw herself into my arms. 

“I can’t do this, I just can’t…..” she kept repeating it. I brushed her hair with my fingers hoping it would calm her down. Her words trailed off and she passes out. I called out her name a couple of times shaking her, but she seemed fast asleep. 

 I carried her upstairs and laid her on my bed. I sat beside her and watched her pretty face that lit up with the moonlight cutting across the room.

It was around 2am and I suddenly woke up. I was lying beside her and she was hugging me real tight. I tried to pull away, and she mumbled with her eyes closed, “Stay… Don’t go.. Please…”

“But…..” before I could complete the sentence, she covered my mouth with her fingers.

“Sssshhhhhh”, she whispered.

 I knew this was so wrong and it was just not meant to be. But like I said, she had that magnetic pull which I couldn’t fight.

She woke up next morning all chirpy. “Hungover?” I asked. 

“Oh yeah.. But I feel happy”, she said grabbing the cup of coffee from my hands. 

She gulped it down popping a pill. 

“Anti hangover drug..” she winked. 

I stood there smiling. She got up and threw a hug and I don’t know what got into me, I hugged her back and kissed her on her forehead. She looked at me and blushed.

My mind was telling me ‘bloody hell. Don’t.. Just don’t.. Its not the right thing.. She’s way too young and she’ll be leaving soon.. Nooooooo.. Noooo’.

I felt her plant a kiss on my cheek. ‘God damn it!’

Next thing I knew, we were kissing!

She was so passionate and I felt like a total amateur. She pulled away and threw me a quizzical look.

 “Have you kissed anyone before?” her question was a little blunt.

“I have.. I mean. I havent loved anyone so much to…” I wanted to bang my head to the wall. What the hell was I saying? 

She giggled and raised an eyebrow. “Love huh?” she mocked me.

“Oh no no I didn’t mean that….”

She laughed and her eyes looked at me differently.

She put her hands around my neck and lifted herself to wrap her legs around my hip.

 She seductively whispered, “Shhhhhh… Just follow my lead.. ” 

My hands supported her bossoms and we kissed. So deep and so passionate.I could taste traces of vodka in her mouth. It was intoxicating. I couldn’t stop and neither did she. It was just so perfect. Yeah! I had fallen in love with her. So weird yet so beautiful..

We continued to meet often and we talked for hours. Nothing had changed between us, except for kissing every now and then. We were like magnets. So attracted to each other.

She left off for a 3 day trip and it was probably the worst 3 days of my life. But you know how it is. Devil inside me began his workshop and I got lonely and weird thoughts haunted me. ‘Maybe she was just using me until she was here. Maybe I actually don’t love her.. Maybe she isn’t the one.. I have to tell her I am not looking for a serious relationship. I definitely don’t wanna marry her……’ it was like a plague that was going to tarnish me and my life which I just didnt realize.
She was due to come back the next morning. I sat staring at my mobile. I received a text from her…

Bae.. We missed the flight.. Looks like I will be back day after.. Sorry.. Hope you are well. Cya soon.. xoxo..’

I was a little disappointed. I lay on my bed thinking of her.

I didn’t want to reply. But hesitantly replied saying okay..

Next afternoon I received another text from her..

Bae.. Need a huge favour.. Can you go to our usual coffee shop.. I have lost my keys and I called to check. They said they had it. Can you pick it for me please. Sorry to bother ya bae. Xoxo..’

‘Will go right away babe… Will let you know once I pick it up.. Should I pick you up from the airport tomorrow?‘ I replied.

Can you bae? I’d love that.. Only if its okay’ 

‘See you in the morning babe.’ I texted back.
I drove to the coffee shop. Checking my mobile I went upto the man in the counter. Suddenly I noticed a familiar face. My heart sank. She sat there giggling looking at my face!

“Baby!” I exclaimed. 

I slumped on the chair and held her hands. 

“Oh my! You had the cutest expression ever bae.. You looked so damn adorable” she smiled her prettiest smile.

It was probably the best surprise I ever had. I had fallen more in love.

Few days later we had a fight and the devil dawned on me again. I spat words of despise and ended the conversation saying, “Baby I wanna just ask, you ain’t going to ask me to marry you right? This is not those serious relationships right?”

He face crumpled. She always shuts me off when she’s upset. And she shut me off! She got up and left.. She closed the door behind and left…

I hadn’t heard from her for days.. It was just crazy yet again. How stupid could I be. She never mentioned but I know that one question had doomed us.

Weeks later I received a message from her,”I miss you bae”. 

I felt so relieved. I called her and we talked. I apologised genuinely and she forgave me. 

Again, we were back to normal. We went on trips, coffee, movies, dinners, drinks and all the fun. She often cupped my face tenderly and smiled. She’d often watch me asleep for hours or fall asleep in my arms until day. Her moods would swing like a pendulum. Sometimes she’d switch from being really sad to dancing and singing around the house or she’d be smiling and one word could tick her off. She was a piece of work.. And it wasn’t that rosey at all. We alternated living in each other’s house. My sister rarely approved of her around and so I mostly stayed at hers.
As days went by something was amiss. She felt a little distant each day. I blamed it on her erratic mood swings.But it wasn’t so..

 A week later I went to her house to pick her up.. The door was locked. There a was note. My body froze. It read, 

‘Check your mailbox.

Love,

Shania’

My heart skipped a beat.

I ran home and there was a little brown package. It had a pretty blue bow. I tore the wrapper open and inside was a little bottle painted with glass and acrylic colors and tea lights in a clusters shoved inside the bottle.

 The bottle read “I’ll never forget you!”

And there she had left.. Without a goodbye and no reason why..

 I don’t know where to go from here. How do I go on?
Shania! My strength and now my misery..

Move on..

Some take a little time and it could be a  lifetime for some,
Moving on is not that easy I always thought..

Its strange yet intriguing how we are different in the way we cope,

I can’t just let go and be okay without a little hope.

I can’t come to terms that her chair is empty,

Will she come back? Is this just a bad dream?

I can’t seem to come to terms of how easy it was for him,

He let her go like she didnt matter to him anymore,

He was ungrateful for all that she did and brought this place to life,

Wasn’t he in his senses or is this what he wants?

Would he want to watch this place crumble and shatter,

For she was the glue and medium that kept all of us together,

It’s time she held on to her pride, for you didn’t know her worth.

It pains me that its easy for people to throw someone outta their life,

Won’t any memories haunt you and kill you alive?

Remember this someday! For you will regret this decision,

You will come to your senses and and wish that you could have rather worked it out,

But it will be too late my friend.. Too late to undo what has been done,

And you would have let her go too far,n that Golden Girl,

And must you cry? Must you beg? You could have, but its too late now..

For she’ll be where she’ worth and she would have moved on……

-Sue

I walked into school this morning and realized my principal had quit. It shattered me. My life feels a mess now.. The entire teacher community was devastated. How easy was it for the management to let her go? She built this place, she made it all happen. I admired and learnt from her. I wanted to walk her footsteps.. Now she’s left. She was over and done with they way she was treated.. She held on so long.. Now she couldn’t anymore.. I will miss you ma’am now and forever..

Endless love 💜

​”Endless love”.. 

It was rather a beautiful movie. 

A movie about summer love, passion, trust and turbulences. 

David and Jade fall in love and they fight to make it work.. 

“A love so big, so strong, it never dies, never fades, never loses its electricity….”

Keeping love alive is not easy.. Its a lot of work. A relationship needs time and effort.. Would you cherish it if it was that easy?

“True love is that you always put first.. That makes you wanna be good and do better… “

If it didnt drive you insane yet at the same time help you keep sane, it ain’t love.. Love drives you crazy and also makes you a better person. You help each other to grow as a person. Love doesn’t mean to  curtail another…. It simply means to liberate yourself from all the shackles and be true to that ‘one’ person. Be your true self without having to pretend.. 
But sometimes, when its gone, a piece of you dies with it.. It is painful.. You mourn for days.. Probably for years.. Maybe a lifetime.. But memories last forever.. 

Right there, don’t let it drown you! Let it be the reason you have to put yourself together. Think of good times and all that wonderful things that made you a better person.. It happened for a reason, didnt it? You did love every moment of it, didn’t you? Make this pain your strength to fight battles in life!

“Time helps.. Its slow and painful.. But it works… Talking helps.. Going out with other people.. Seeing friends.. She’ll be like a book you read long ago..”



Is that true?Will all the pain set you free if you try? Is this the end? Is this really ending now? All our endless love…..

-Sue

Believe in yourself!

Teaching, cooking, baking, reading and painting are that which keep me sane..

I love being a teacher.. And this was a poem I wrote for my student. She was someone who constantly looked down at herself and she was low on confidence. I struggled each day to encourage her and get her spirits high. It affected me on most days and I felt hopeless and frustrated. Nevertheless, I won’t give up on her. I will do everything that I can and make whatever little difference in her life that I am deemed to. I was born for a purpose just like I told her, and I won’t give up until I can get through to her.. So on her 16th birthday, I wrote her a poem and hoped someday she would be able to understand what I meant..

 Happy birthday my li’l girl..

Dear Sheena,

Aren’t you excited on turning 16?

I want you to remember that you are born for a purpose.

You light up the world for your parents and sister,

You are not a trouble for your teachers!

You are special in your own wonderful way,

Dont matter what you feel about yourself today,

I am sure you’ll know your worth someday.

And then you’ll look at me with your head held high,

I will watch you go places near and far,

And with complete pride,I will say….

That’s my girl, standing tall right there,

All the while, I knew she had it in her!

Happy birthday precious girl! 

Always believe in yourself.

Love and blessings,

Sue Ma’am