Anti happiness

Happiness is a state of mind. People say that you are responsible for your pain as well as your happiness. But what if someone’s sadness becomes yours and yours theirs? What if your pain is beyond healing and you are spiteful about life?

Life is unpredictable right!”, she was speaking to the birds. Shania was a lost soul for couple of weeks now. She felt numb. She felt like all the pain had just become one big ball inside her throat. She was rather hiding it all.

Shania was in her own world, she often looked worried and  had to be constantly shook out of it. He was being really supportive despite her mistakes and who she had become.

One day she met with Loki. She was tired of going on and on about their mess. Had she made her point? Did she convey what she intended to or did she mess it up more? She was unsure. She got back home and he was questioning her about why she met Loki and what made her think she was going to solve it on her own? He blamed her for having messed up his relationship with his friend. He blamed her for being stupid. He was staring at her with anger in his eyes. But she lay still. Her breath was heavy all of a sudden. And she was gasping for air. He became worried and grabbed her. She was chill. He panicked and carried her to the car and sped away to a nearby hospital….

In the hospital the nurses couldn’t tell what had happened. They plugged different equipment on her body that pinched her. She lay still. He was holding her hand calling her name. She wasn’t responding. Several needles pierced her skin and she was gasping. He was chided away and the curtains were drawn. Doctors and nurses went in and out of the room. He was pacing through the corridor. He had called his closest friend as he didnt know what else to do. They sat restlessly in the waiting area. They told him nothing for over an hour…

In the emergency room a sudden regular beep and lines on the monitor put a victorious smile on one of the intern’s face. The medicines in her blood stream was finally doing its due. She was kept under observation for couple of hours.

She woke up. The white light above her blinded her. She was feeling nauseous with the smells in the hospital. She could hear machines beep around her. She was calling out for him. Her throat dry. He was called in. He ran upto her and squeezed her hands. “Are you okay baby?” Her body was freezing cold. “Home..”, she whispered and fell asleep.He kissed her forehead and helped her up. He drove her back home watching her curl up in the car seat, thanking his lucky stars.

Ever since that night, Shania was suffering from sharp headaches. She woke up nauseous and her head was heavy. She was taken to different doctors to treat her migraine, which was her diagnosis at first. But little did it help. Finally she was taken to her family doctor. He examined her and she was prescribed medication.

“Anti depressants?”, she was baffled. She laughed. “They actually think I am depressed? This is insane!”, she snorted. He stood in front of her unwilling to listen to her; his hands stretched out and a bottle in his hand. He nudged her and offered the tablets agian. “No!”, she barked.

His eyes narrowed,”Look baby! I don’t know if this is going to work. But I can’t see you blackout like this. You are having nervour breakdowns and you don’t realize it. Because you don’t know! Just do this for me. Think about this as a cure for me.” she couldn’t put up a fight, she took it.

She would sleep for hours; her hunger was erratic. She would have hunger pangs and eat like she had never eaten before and other times , she would starve.

She stayed home and stopped going to work. All she did was sleep and sometimes, very rarely she would read. She hadn’t written in days. And she missed it. So she was determined to write. She began writing recipes in a blog. She missed work, the children and Kate.

One evening, she sat on the porch watching children play. She envied them, she missed being a child; free! She thought about their innocence, about their freedom from adult crap and their beautiful smile. She thought about how she loved being a child. She blanketed herself from all the domestic violence in her house. Her dogs were her world, only they had understood her. She hated herself now. For having become who she never was and never wanted to be. She felt very troubled and hated her existence.

She wondered if her life was worth anything at all! She was angry and frustrated. She banged the door close and jolted in a room. She was looking for something. She was sweating and tears flowed from her eyes. She found a rope and pulled it. Strips of tablets fell on the ground. She starred at them. She grabbed it and popped all of it. She threw the rope around the fan and tied a knot. The medicines kicked in and her eyes were closing. She was fighting it. She held the rope and put it around her neck and closed her eyes….

A cold breeze hit her bare legs. Was this heaven? Had she died? She was unble to open her eyes. They were heavy and her head hurt. She felt a hand hold her. She muscled up all her energy and pushed open her eye lids. It was cloudy and couldn’t see anything. She shut them, rolled her eye balls and opened them again. It was him. His eyes were swollen. His smile was weak. “Just forgive yourself baby. Its really alright! Just forget all this. I forgive you!” He brushed her hair off her face, kissed her and whispered, “Sleep my angel..”

Ending your life is definitely not a solution to problems in your life. It is not bravery but a sheer act of cowardice. Life gives you vulnerable situations and it is up to us to act accordingly. Just like we have happy and joyful moments, sadness and sorrow are as much a part of your life. They make the person who you are. They help you grow.

You will make mistakes that you regret and it is alright! You’ll be hurt, shattered, lifeless and hopeless but learn to fight it all! It does seem easy to end one’s own life and feel you are done with it, but if you have a heart and a conscience remember the people who love you, people who care about you, your mother especially who carried your weight for 9 months and took care of you as you grew up!

But more than anyone or anything, just think about yourself, about how important you are to yourself and how much you need yourself. Your dreams, ambitions, passions and everything you want will just go crashing down and do you think anything is worth letting yourself down? I don’t think so. If you love yourself truly enough to love someone, you wont hurt yourself. No one nor nothing is worth your life!
Shania learnt it the hard way..But she did regret having resorted to such a stupid act. She needed to forgive herself and she began working on it. She used art, cooking, singing, dancing, work and walking to channelize all the negative energy. She knew it was not going to be easy to just become peaceful over night,  but she promised to try everything she could to achieve it. She had lost all her confidence in herself and she needed restructuring of her mind. She probably will get there someday.. She sure will she told herself. She took a deep breath and sat on the edge of the little hill that over looked her beautiful city and sipped on her favourite juice..

– Sue

Rare

Watching the sunrise at the beach when my city was calm, was rare to me! 

Madras is bustling city, with an  extremely hot and humid climate almost throughout the year and even worse, it is  densely populated. 

Most people in my city are from other states because it is an IT and manufacturing hub in South India. It has people from all over the country as well as from abroad. It was during some festival, long holiday season if I am right, the city was calm. Everyone had left to their native and very few of us had the privilege to expreience the rare cool breeze and the freedom of empty roads.  


-Sue

Lust over love?

Don’t judge a person when they are happy and gay,

It’s not their complete self they say.

You know a person better during their bad times,

How they treat you when they are angry or sad,

Is what actually makes a person good or bad.

If you can let the person you love down,

If you can make them cry, hurt or frown,

It’s not true love you have for her or him,

It’s just that you are attached to them.

I can’t believe I gave my heart to someone,

Who could tear me apart until I was done.

I can’t believe the last night how you thrust youself,

I swallowed the pain and anger and kept to myself.

I wanted to tell you this a hundred times before,

About how I felt that night , felt sore,

But I loved you too much to hurt you anymore.

Why? Why have you left that scar in my mind?

All the while I assumed you were not that kind.

Now I understand why my love was different,

And that incident felt like it was God sent.

Was your bodily urge so great than to just be with me?

Or was it that I was just an object in your eye?

Did I mean just that after all this time?

I could be wrong but it wasn’t right,

Even after all this I couldn’t hate you or put up a fight. 

-Sue