Anti happiness

Happiness is a state of mind. People say that you are responsible for your pain as well as your happiness. But what if someone’s sadness becomes yours and yours theirs? What if your pain is beyond healing and you are spiteful about life?

Life is unpredictable right!”, she was speaking to the birds. Shania was a lost soul for couple of weeks now. She felt numb. She felt like all the pain had just become one big ball inside her throat. She was rather hiding it all.

Shania was in her own world, she often looked worried and  had to be constantly shook out of it. He was being really supportive despite her mistakes and who she had become.

One day she met with Loki. She was tired of going on and on about their mess. Had she made her point? Did she convey what she intended to or did she mess it up more? She was unsure. She got back home and he was questioning her about why she met Loki and what made her think she was going to solve it on her own? He blamed her for having messed up his relationship with his friend. He blamed her for being stupid. He was staring at her with anger in his eyes. But she lay still. Her breath was heavy all of a sudden. And she was gasping for air. He became worried and grabbed her. She was chill. He panicked and carried her to the car and sped away to a nearby hospital….

In the hospital the nurses couldn’t tell what had happened. They plugged different equipment on her body that pinched her. She lay still. He was holding her hand calling her name. She wasn’t responding. Several needles pierced her skin and she was gasping. He was chided away and the curtains were drawn. Doctors and nurses went in and out of the room. He was pacing through the corridor. He had called his closest friend as he didnt know what else to do. They sat restlessly in the waiting area. They told him nothing for over an hour…

In the emergency room a sudden regular beep and lines on the monitor put a victorious smile on one of the intern’s face. The medicines in her blood stream was finally doing its due. She was kept under observation for couple of hours.

She woke up. The white light above her blinded her. She was feeling nauseous with the smells in the hospital. She could hear machines beep around her. She was calling out for him. Her throat dry. He was called in. He ran upto her and squeezed her hands. “Are you okay baby?” Her body was freezing cold. “Home..”, she whispered and fell asleep.He kissed her forehead and helped her up. He drove her back home watching her curl up in the car seat, thanking his lucky stars.

Ever since that night, Shania was suffering from sharp headaches. She woke up nauseous and her head was heavy. She was taken to different doctors to treat her migraine, which was her diagnosis at first. But little did it help. Finally she was taken to her family doctor. He examined her and she was prescribed medication.

“Anti depressants?”, she was baffled. She laughed. “They actually think I am depressed? This is insane!”, she snorted. He stood in front of her unwilling to listen to her; his hands stretched out and a bottle in his hand. He nudged her and offered the tablets agian. “No!”, she barked.

His eyes narrowed,”Look baby! I don’t know if this is going to work. But I can’t see you blackout like this. You are having nervour breakdowns and you don’t realize it. Because you don’t know! Just do this for me. Think about this as a cure for me.” she couldn’t put up a fight, she took it.

She would sleep for hours; her hunger was erratic. She would have hunger pangs and eat like she had never eaten before and other times , she would starve.

She stayed home and stopped going to work. All she did was sleep and sometimes, very rarely she would read. She hadn’t written in days. And she missed it. So she was determined to write. She began writing recipes in a blog. She missed work, the children and Kate.

One evening, she sat on the porch watching children play. She envied them, she missed being a child; free! She thought about their innocence, about their freedom from adult crap and their beautiful smile. She thought about how she loved being a child. She blanketed herself from all the domestic violence in her house. Her dogs were her world, only they had understood her. She hated herself now. For having become who she never was and never wanted to be. She felt very troubled and hated her existence.

She wondered if her life was worth anything at all! She was angry and frustrated. She banged the door close and jolted in a room. She was looking for something. She was sweating and tears flowed from her eyes. She found a rope and pulled it. Strips of tablets fell on the ground. She starred at them. She grabbed it and popped all of it. She threw the rope around the fan and tied a knot. The medicines kicked in and her eyes were closing. She was fighting it. She held the rope and put it around her neck and closed her eyes….

A cold breeze hit her bare legs. Was this heaven? Had she died? She was unble to open her eyes. They were heavy and her head hurt. She felt a hand hold her. She muscled up all her energy and pushed open her eye lids. It was cloudy and couldn’t see anything. She shut them, rolled her eye balls and opened them again. It was him. His eyes were swollen. His smile was weak. “Just forgive yourself baby. Its really alright! Just forget all this. I forgive you!” He brushed her hair off her face, kissed her and whispered, “Sleep my angel..”

Ending your life is definitely not a solution to problems in your life. It is not bravery but a sheer act of cowardice. Life gives you vulnerable situations and it is up to us to act accordingly. Just like we have happy and joyful moments, sadness and sorrow are as much a part of your life. They make the person who you are. They help you grow.

You will make mistakes that you regret and it is alright! You’ll be hurt, shattered, lifeless and hopeless but learn to fight it all! It does seem easy to end one’s own life and feel you are done with it, but if you have a heart and a conscience remember the people who love you, people who care about you, your mother especially who carried your weight for 9 months and took care of you as you grew up!

But more than anyone or anything, just think about yourself, about how important you are to yourself and how much you need yourself. Your dreams, ambitions, passions and everything you want will just go crashing down and do you think anything is worth letting yourself down? I don’t think so. If you love yourself truly enough to love someone, you wont hurt yourself. No one nor nothing is worth your life!
Shania learnt it the hard way..But she did regret having resorted to such a stupid act. She needed to forgive herself and she began working on it. She used art, cooking, singing, dancing, work and walking to channelize all the negative energy. She knew it was not going to be easy to just become peaceful over night,  but she promised to try everything she could to achieve it. She had lost all her confidence in herself and she needed restructuring of her mind. She probably will get there someday.. She sure will she told herself. She took a deep breath and sat on the edge of the little hill that over looked her beautiful city and sipped on her favourite juice..

– Sue

Rare

Watching the sunrise at the beach when my city was calm, was rare to me! 

Madras is bustling city, with an  extremely hot and humid climate almost throughout the year and even worse, it is  densely populated. 

Most people in my city are from other states because it is an IT and manufacturing hub in South India. It has people from all over the country as well as from abroad. It was during some festival, long holiday season if I am right, the city was calm. Everyone had left to their native and very few of us had the privilege to expreience the rare cool breeze and the freedom of empty roads.  


-Sue

Lust over love?

Don’t judge a person when they are happy and gay,

It’s not their complete self they say.

You know a person better during their bad times,

How they treat you when they are angry or sad,

Is what actually makes a person good or bad.

If you can let the person you love down,

If you can make them cry, hurt or frown,

It’s not true love you have for her or him,

It’s just that you are attached to them.

I can’t believe I gave my heart to someone,

Who could tear me apart until I was done.

I can’t believe the last night how you thrust youself,

I swallowed the pain and anger and kept to myself.

I wanted to tell you this a hundred times before,

About how I felt that night , felt sore,

But I loved you too much to hurt you anymore.

Why? Why have you left that scar in my mind?

All the while I assumed you were not that kind.

Now I understand why my love was different,

And that incident felt like it was God sent.

Was your bodily urge so great than to just be with me?

Or was it that I was just an object in your eye?

Did I mean just that after all this time?

I could be wrong but it wasn’t right,

Even after all this I couldn’t hate you or put up a fight. 

-Sue

Soul mates!

Something I read that was really beautiful and heart warming. 

I believe that the soul recognises what the mind or body can’t. Because your soul never dies, it’s a form of energy.  Like Newton stated that,”Energy can neither be created nor destroyed, it transforms from one form to another.” As boring as it sounded during Physics class back in school; it makes sense to me when I think of the connection we have with people. You have that instant bond with people you met just yesterday and often times we say “It feels like I’ve known you for years” without understanding why we feel that way. We have that instant comfort which is inexplicable. My soul needed no introduction to you. It knew your soul the monent I met you. They recollect memories they’ve had together, the bond that’s beyond the earthly body. It’s like how tou recognise the scent of someone familiar. 

Thats why you hold on to people and you don’t understand why.

A soul mate is often misunderstood. My soul feels you! And thats what a soul mate is!

Love,

Sue

My precious Max

I was halfway through my shower when my phone rang incessantly.  My heart was heavy,I heard her cry through the phone. ” Its Max “, she said. My heart sank and I could hardly breath. I barked that it was nothing. I said he was going to be okay and nothing was wrong. She whimpered. “Renal failure they said”, she cried. Why him? He was one of the most kind hearted and affectionate dog. He was a baby when he came home, I remember that day when I first saw him. He was shy and reluctant at first but just took him few minutes to become a biggest part of my life and I his. He would have long conversations with me or complain about his day, he’d bring a bottle or his ball to play with or jump into my arms when he saw me. He loved me unconditionally and all he ever wanted was my time. I just had to sit next to him, anywhere,and it made him happy. Often times he would accompany my late night baking orders and he would be treated with his favourite cookie or a bone. He would wait tirelessly even when he would be very sleepy until I give him a go.Max was who I woke up to and kissed goodnight for years. He was adored by all.

10 days of hell.. In and out of hospitals, doctors visiting home, needles piercing through his skin, the smell of medicine and the look on his face, was killing me on the inside. I couldn’t watch him this way. It was making me go insane. He wobbled as he tried to get up and lie on my lap. Lying down next to him was what I looked forward to every night. I told him stories of him growing up, about how I hated to see him in pain and how much I love him.

The dreaded day came, his blood reports, showed that his health was deteriorating. Today it came to my decision to let him be in pain or put him to sleep. I was firm.. I was not going to put him to sleep. 

I placed my hand on his heart and I told him, “Baby I am ready.. I can’t see you in pain any more.. I can’t put you down. Please don’t stay. These needles piercing your skin; I hate it.”

I wrote this when he was still alive. Tonight, he is no more. He was always obedient and he continued it until death. He waited for me and passed away. 

I loved him with all my heart and the thought of not seeing him anymore kills me. But I know he is my angel and he will always guide me and be there in my heart.

I will miss him. 

R.I.P my precious.

Hope to see you in heaven. We’ll spend more time there. 

-Sue

A beautiful morning

I set out for a walk early this morning. I have moved in to a new apartment. It is more like row houses. Gated community with few amenities. The new locality and the streets are broad and well laid (well laid roads in India are rare!). The streets, calm and quite away from the bustling traffic. 

I walked down the arch way of trees with birds chirping ever so gleefully. The Sun was yet to rise and the breeze was chill. The sky looked clear painted with strokes of orange and pink here and there. The clouds so white and fluffy that I almost wanted to sink into them and fall asleep. I took a deep breath of the fresh air that almost filled my soul. I felt energized and my mind felt calm. 
I watched an old lady sprinkle water in her entrance, made dots and drew lines with rice floor; this is how she starts her everyday I assumed. She effortlessly drew strokes that were going to transform into one beautiful piece of art. It is traditionally called as ‘Kollam’. Kollam in South India is housewives’ favourite work of art that they take pride in. 

I could smell fresh coffee brewing at someone’s house. Most South Indians began their day with a cup (traditionally a ‘dabrrah’) of coffee and South Indian coffee is ecstatic, although I sound boastful, it is true or probably our taste buds are tuned to it.

In a distance I heard a man scream names of different spinach that he was selling. This was what he did for an extra income, he had a full time job as a carpenter; I learnt from a quick conversation with him. People who know me, know that I make friends with most shopkeepers. I find their trade interesting and their lives even more interesting. I bought a bunch of fresh greens, said my goodbyes and continued my walk. It was more of stroll at this point. I was sucked into the beauty and intricacies of my surrounding and fitness meant little to me right now. I walked down the road and spotted an old building, a government school. The ayyamas (helpers) were lethargic and disinterested in sweeping the floor. However,  I waz drawn to the building that was old yet elegant and a huge banyan tree that sat in the middle of the bare ground. I was sure it provided shelter for children during their lunch or break. I wished I could sit under the tree and write all day and night. 

By now the Sun was beginning to peek through the clouds and it made the wind slightly warm. 

I have to get back to my mundane life. But few moments like these make all the difference and its we who have to make time to create them..

Find time for yourself everyday even if it was for few minutes. It helps you unwind and introspect. 

-Sue