Beloved Narcissist

I woke up this morning as miserable or rather even more than yesterday. I sat on my bed staring at the white walls in my room. It all seemed so distant to me. The air coinditioner made a loud noise and it was interrupting my thoughts. I dreaded mornings and today was nothing different. My eyes well up and I still wonder why! Suddenly the alarm goes off creating a havoc in my room. I rummage through my stuff in the basket trying to find my mobile. (In my anger last night, I tossed it across the room and now its like my mobile’s getting back at me). I finally find it and turn it off.

I groggily do my daily routine; make coffee, tabs, read few pages from a book, feed my fish, soak some clothes and cook. Yeah same thing everyday. Living alone has its pros and cons. And right now I don’t know what weighs more. I sip coffee and tears continue to trickle down my cheek. I don’t think I deserve to do this to myself. I was beginning to doubt if I had any self esteem left in me. Wht did I not one bit hate him yet? Why didn’t I react like he did? I could have said rude things like he did and hurt him back, but I didn’t! Why why why?

Here was a man who demeans me. Treats me like a tramp. Nobody has ever treated me or spoken ill of me this bad ever! And here am I sitting here crying that he thinks so low of me. Maybe he is hurting too or probably even worse, but I am finally focussed on myself! Like my feelings are important to me now, rather, finally! I think I tried empathizing enough! We were adults and no one was a child! Pointing fingers at me probably soothes his pain, but I think I won’t take blame no more!

I sat down with a bowl of muesli and coffee.( Yeah I usually don’t drink two coffees in the morning, but off late coffee is my elixir.) I could barely swallow each spoon of muesli. It felt like my throat was closing up. I felt so choked in pain. I can’t seem to get mad at him and tear him apart. I am so angry but I don’t have the heart to express it. I don’t think I need to either.

I unlock my mobile and I received few messages!

 It made my day today. It made me feel a little clear. I had changed over the past few weeks and I am a different person today. Nothing like yesterday, no nothing like I used to be!

I am a woman.. So heartless… 

I won’t explain myself to anyone anymore! And I won’t kill myself this way!

-Sue

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