Nostalgia sometimes is killing.

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We didn’t realize we were making memories! We just knew that we were having fun!”

Sue was holding on, as strong as she could be. She boarded the train and she had butterflies in her tummy.

She was heading on a camp, to the same place where once the entire gang of friends went. She dreaded to live the memories and she was nervous. The highway stretched beside the railway track; the usual road they traveled very often to Bengaluru. She felt chocked and stupid!

“If only I could turn back time”, she said under her breath.

She did miss the old days, when they hung out together, spent time as much as they could and no one, no no one was allowed to disrupt “their” time.

Now it was all gone. One mistake that had washed it all away.

Would anyone ever understand what either Loki or Sue felt? Like apart from the mess Sue created, their friendship was something beyond. Loki seldom opened up to anyone, and he did to her; it meant something right? The highway curved along the track and tears trickled down her cheeks. The signboard said “Ambur”, the gang’s usual pitstop for the famous Biriyani, the tender meet and flavorsome rice was always something they never missed. Sue sighed and she was crying a little more.

Her student, who was really close to her, squeezed her hand, “Ma’am are you okay?”.

Sue quickly wiped away her tears, sniffed and nodded. “Just a little lost in thought”, she said.

Quickly the student gathered few others and wanted the entire student body on the train to dance. It was fun. Sue was a little distracted now. The teachers and students danced together and had a good laugh.

They reached their destination and boarded a bus that would take them up the hill. The students were excited and they were all chattering.

Sue, in her world. Flooded with memories and feeling chocked ;the hill climb, when they sped with their little “sound machine”. The car’s speedometer was busted and it showed a whooping “160 kmph” when their speed was not more than “80 kmph”. She remembered what fun that was, taping the speedometer wobble its way to the maximum, laughing and having fun..

She spotted the place where they pulled over for a picture, the place they ate breakfast and drank tea. This trip was definitely going to be tragic, she concluded.

She let out a sigh, took a deep breath and wiped away her tears..

To be continued……..

Anti happiness

Happiness is a state of mind. People say that you are responsible for your pain as well as your happiness. But what if someone’s sadness becomes yours and yours theirs? What if your pain is beyond healing and you are spiteful about life?

Life is unpredictable right!”, she was speaking to the birds. Shania was a lost soul for couple of weeks now. She felt numb. She felt like all the pain had just become one big ball inside her throat. She was rather hiding it all.

Shania was in her own world, she often looked worried and  had to be constantly shook out of it. He was being really supportive despite her mistakes and who she had become.

One day she met with Loki. She was tired of going on and on about their mess. Had she made her point? Did she convey what she intended to or did she mess it up more? She was unsure. She got back home and he was questioning her about why she met Loki and what made her think she was going to solve it on her own? He blamed her for having messed up his relationship with his friend. He blamed her for being stupid. He was staring at her with anger in his eyes. But she lay still. Her breath was heavy all of a sudden. And she was gasping for air. He became worried and grabbed her. She was chill. He panicked and carried her to the car and sped away to a nearby hospital….

In the hospital the nurses couldn’t tell what had happened. They plugged different equipment on her body that pinched her. She lay still. He was holding her hand calling her name. She wasn’t responding. Several needles pierced her skin and she was gasping. He was chided away and the curtains were drawn. Doctors and nurses went in and out of the room. He was pacing through the corridor. He had called his closest friend as he didnt know what else to do. They sat restlessly in the waiting area. They told him nothing for over an hour…

In the emergency room a sudden regular beep and lines on the monitor put a victorious smile on one of the intern’s face. The medicines in her blood stream was finally doing its due. She was kept under observation for couple of hours.

She woke up. The white light above her blinded her. She was feeling nauseous with the smells in the hospital. She could hear machines beep around her. She was calling out for him. Her throat dry. He was called in. He ran upto her and squeezed her hands. “Are you okay baby?” Her body was freezing cold. “Home..”, she whispered and fell asleep.He kissed her forehead and helped her up. He drove her back home watching her curl up in the car seat, thanking his lucky stars.

Ever since that night, Shania was suffering from sharp headaches. She woke up nauseous and her head was heavy. She was taken to different doctors to treat her migraine, which was her diagnosis at first. But little did it help. Finally she was taken to her family doctor. He examined her and she was prescribed medication.

“Anti depressants?”, she was baffled. She laughed. “They actually think I am depressed? This is insane!”, she snorted. He stood in front of her unwilling to listen to her; his hands stretched out and a bottle in his hand. He nudged her and offered the tablets agian. “No!”, she barked.

His eyes narrowed,”Look baby! I don’t know if this is going to work. But I can’t see you blackout like this. You are having nervour breakdowns and you don’t realize it. Because you don’t know! Just do this for me. Think about this as a cure for me.” she couldn’t put up a fight, she took it.

She would sleep for hours; her hunger was erratic. She would have hunger pangs and eat like she had never eaten before and other times , she would starve.

She stayed home and stopped going to work. All she did was sleep and sometimes, very rarely she would read. She hadn’t written in days. And she missed it. So she was determined to write. She began writing recipes in a blog. She missed work, the children and Kate.

One evening, she sat on the porch watching children play. She envied them, she missed being a child; free! She thought about their innocence, about their freedom from adult crap and their beautiful smile. She thought about how she loved being a child. She blanketed herself from all the domestic violence in her house. Her dogs were her world, only they had understood her. She hated herself now. For having become who she never was and never wanted to be. She felt very troubled and hated her existence.

She wondered if her life was worth anything at all! She was angry and frustrated. She banged the door close and jolted in a room. She was looking for something. She was sweating and tears flowed from her eyes. She found a rope and pulled it. Strips of tablets fell on the ground. She starred at them. She grabbed it and popped all of it. She threw the rope around the fan and tied a knot. The medicines kicked in and her eyes were closing. She was fighting it. She held the rope and put it around her neck and closed her eyes….

A cold breeze hit her bare legs. Was this heaven? Had she died? She was unble to open her eyes. They were heavy and her head hurt. She felt a hand hold her. She muscled up all her energy and pushed open her eye lids. It was cloudy and couldn’t see anything. She shut them, rolled her eye balls and opened them again. It was him. His eyes were swollen. His smile was weak. “Just forgive yourself baby. Its really alright! Just forget all this. I forgive you!” He brushed her hair off her face, kissed her and whispered, “Sleep my angel..”

Ending your life is definitely not a solution to problems in your life. It is not bravery but a sheer act of cowardice. Life gives you vulnerable situations and it is up to us to act accordingly. Just like we have happy and joyful moments, sadness and sorrow are as much a part of your life. They make the person who you are. They help you grow.

You will make mistakes that you regret and it is alright! You’ll be hurt, shattered, lifeless and hopeless but learn to fight it all! It does seem easy to end one’s own life and feel you are done with it, but if you have a heart and a conscience remember the people who love you, people who care about you, your mother especially who carried your weight for 9 months and took care of you as you grew up!

But more than anyone or anything, just think about yourself, about how important you are to yourself and how much you need yourself. Your dreams, ambitions, passions and everything you want will just go crashing down and do you think anything is worth letting yourself down? I don’t think so. If you love yourself truly enough to love someone, you wont hurt yourself. No one nor nothing is worth your life!
Shania learnt it the hard way..But she did regret having resorted to such a stupid act. She needed to forgive herself and she began working on it. She used art, cooking, singing, dancing, work and walking to channelize all the negative energy. She knew it was not going to be easy to just become peaceful over night,  but she promised to try everything she could to achieve it. She had lost all her confidence in herself and she needed restructuring of her mind. She probably will get there someday.. She sure will she told herself. She took a deep breath and sat on the edge of the little hill that over looked her beautiful city and sipped on her favourite juice..

– Sue

My precious Max

I was halfway through my shower when my phone rang incessantly.  My heart was heavy,I heard her cry through the phone. ” Its Max “, she said. My heart sank and I could hardly breath. I barked that it was nothing. I said he was going to be okay and nothing was wrong. She whimpered. “Renal failure they said”, she cried. Why him? He was one of the most kind hearted and affectionate dog. He was a baby when he came home, I remember that day when I first saw him. He was shy and reluctant at first but just took him few minutes to become a biggest part of my life and I his. He would have long conversations with me or complain about his day, he’d bring a bottle or his ball to play with or jump into my arms when he saw me. He loved me unconditionally and all he ever wanted was my time. I just had to sit next to him, anywhere,and it made him happy. Often times he would accompany my late night baking orders and he would be treated with his favourite cookie or a bone. He would wait tirelessly even when he would be very sleepy until I give him a go.Max was who I woke up to and kissed goodnight for years. He was adored by all.

10 days of hell.. In and out of hospitals, doctors visiting home, needles piercing through his skin, the smell of medicine and the look on his face, was killing me on the inside. I couldn’t watch him this way. It was making me go insane. He wobbled as he tried to get up and lie on my lap. Lying down next to him was what I looked forward to every night. I told him stories of him growing up, about how I hated to see him in pain and how much I love him.

The dreaded day came, his blood reports, showed that his health was deteriorating. Today it came to my decision to let him be in pain or put him to sleep. I was firm.. I was not going to put him to sleep. 

I placed my hand on his heart and I told him, “Baby I am ready.. I can’t see you in pain any more.. I can’t put you down. Please don’t stay. These needles piercing your skin; I hate it.”

I wrote this when he was still alive. Tonight, he is no more. He was always obedient and he continued it until death. He waited for me and passed away. 

I loved him with all my heart and the thought of not seeing him anymore kills me. But I know he is my angel and he will always guide me and be there in my heart.

I will miss him. 

R.I.P my precious.

Hope to see you in heaven. We’ll spend more time there. 

-Sue

Friendships day means nothing without you!

I woke up Sunday morning to texts and messages from friends and family wishing me for “Friendships” day, but it was just one person I wished, rather longed for a message from. I wish it had never gotten this bad, I wish that he never hated me so much! I wish I could turn back time and he still saw me as his best friend and not the one who tore his heart apart!

I have become oblivious to my feelings,for no amount of guilt or hurt was helping, for I know he has made it clear to everyone that he would never want to see me. Never ever! It did hurt me at first and I still feel burnt inside, but I guess only that can heal him and me. 

I had a dream the same morning.. I dreamt that I had met him at some gathering. But his eyes looked at me differently. They had pure hate and hurt and nothing more. It was probably just a dream, but it was as real as it could get. I then thought to myself, if I ever saw him and he looked at me that way, would I be able to handle it? I doubt it. But then again I console myself that he would never express his hate right to my face….

I ask myself why did I do this! Why did I hurt him and now let him hurt me? 

But a voice inside me said, “he hurts you because he hurts and not because he means to hurt you”. 

 Now I know why I find it difficult not to think of him and our years of togetherness. I miss him and his presence. Our long chats (mostly I talk and he listens), when he used to open up his true emotions and when he looked at me as special! Now I have nothing but emptiness and I don’t think anyone can take that space.. It lies empty forever! I miss my closest and best friend more than anything in this world. And I know I have lost him in my vanity. 

Hope no one ever experiences this pain ever!

Hope you cherish your closest friend and never hurt them like I did!

Happy friendship day!

-Sue

I hate you I love you

I heard this song long ago.. But it popped up on my youtube today.. Few memories flashed. And I thought about how much I used to like this song. It makes so much sense for a broken heart. The lyrics are quite powerful.

I hope you enjoy this version of the Gnash and Olivia’s ‘I hate you I love you’. It used to be a song that I cried to at nights not too long ago. Just wanted to share.. Hope you’ll like it too..

I hate you I love you

Happy listening.

Sue💜

Lost a part of me forever!

​With you leaving, I lost a part of me!


I am feeling insane day by day. It is misery that has become my best friend and seems to be there for me at all times.

Off late people have begun questioning me, blaming me and judging me constantly; I have been keeping mum through it all. I smile and nod or look down in shame,not ashamed of myself but ashamed that I gave you my heart.
I was angry at me for having trusted you with my feelings. And I was heart broken that in the end I didn’t mean much, did I?

You took what was so personal and special between us in your hands and decided to crush it under the heel of your shoe. Like all that mattered was just You and nothing else! You had your priorities and I don’t blame you for that. “They” meant everything to you, I guess or I could be wrong like always. But I wonder who were “they” when you fell for me babe? Did “they” become important when you decided to let go off me?

What happened between us was something I treasure and you destroyed it; not for me, but for yourself. You brought it out in the open making it seem as if our bond was trashy and meaningless. I swallowed the pain because I knew that doing what you did gave you a sense of liberation from guilt and made you feel pure. But think about it babe.. You gave me up!

You spat out words of disgust and demeaned me and I sat through it all. You made me feel so small and ashamed of myself, something no one has ever done. It wouldn’t have mattered even if someone else did, but the fact that it was you, tears me apart.

Today, I am happy with myself, for I chose not to spit those words back at you but instead refrained from it all. I feel way above you for not having acted like a saint and behaved like a devil! You made sure that you felt like the victim and I, the accused. Not one cared about how I felt but all they did was empathise your ‘BRAVERY’.

But babe, we both know the truth and I still don’t hate you, I could never hate you or be mad at you. For my love was no ordinary love that was meant to just marry you or beget children with you. My love for you was so wonderful that it was way above mere wanting to quench our bodily urges…. It was a love that was unconditional, love so pure and raw. I don’t think you’ll ever understand babe, my love for you is for eternity. It has nothing to do with “just” being a couple and doing the regular stuff, but it was and will be a love that is way beyond my aptitude to put it into words!

You have told them your stories but I will never tell them mine. Not because of fear babe, because I am beyond being afraid today. But what was between us doesn’t need to be explained to anyone and because I gave you my word. And what the hell? I don’t owe them any reasons for ‘you and me’. I don’t care if you think otherwise.
I don’t care what the world now thinks of me today babe. But only I know the kind of love I had for you and it will die with me.

I don’t regret we met, but I wish we never became strangers.. But it was inevitable.. You said it was my decision, and that I take blame for it.

I thank you for making me heartless all over again! For helping me find my old self that was lost long ago.

Hope you find all the peace,with me gone forever!

-Sue