Our Wonderful world!!

I was sitting on the corner of my bed, with my feet on the protruding frame of the bed. Something was bothering me and I just couldn’t put a finger on it. My mind was reeling with thoughts and I was trying to group my thoughts to help make sense. Nothing was helping really. I looked around, my room was pretty cluttered, not in a messy sense, but with too many things and now it bothered me. I began questioning myself :Why did I have so many things; a large bed, side tables, dressing table, cupboards, clothes, accessories, bags, all the beauty products, books, bangles and the list could go on, did I really need all of this? Why couldn’t I just have a simple life?

I wanted throw everything out, I wanted to tear everything apart and break everything that I could. But where do I start? I want to be able to pack my bag and go where i wanted to, like my life in a bag sorts. And then my thoughts began to flow.

Life is meant to be simple isn’t it? Why did we we want to possess things? Why do we compete in having them?

I have this obsession on being original, not sure if its a good things, because we are after all a sum of all experiences. I get annoyed with people trying to be me, trying to possess the same things and something like that. It is strange that it bothers me so much. I try to brush it off most times, but it surfaces back.

When was the last time you could just pick up your phone and call your closest friend? Or do we actually have a close friend? I really don’t know! Most times we fear being judged. When we were younger, little did we care about expressing ourselves. We were open to blurting out whatever we felt, as we grew up everything seems to have changed!

We do live in a materialistic age, the glossy sheets of fashion magazines makes it alluring for readers to want to aspire to either be like the people on the magazine or buy the things they advertise. Well, I can’t deny that it is indeed enticing when you look at all the glam and the contrasting colours that are appealing. We are deluded by their fake smiles and anorexic bodies, wanting to be sickeningly thin and flushed pale faces. We often convince ourselves that being pseudo would earn recognition and we would ‘fit in’! We need to become ‘them’ in order to socialize. So we buy: clothes, cosmetics, accessories, shoes, bags and all that crap with labels on it. Oh and how can I forget, we use ‘sale’ as a reason to hoard stuff.

Oh how can I not mention the cliche, the most ridiculed upon, yet widely used medium: the SOCIAL MEDIA! We are compelled to announce to this pseudo world our accomplishments, our places of visit, our personal life, and every damn crap we do in our lives! “Bought a new bag”, “My husband surprises me on my birthday”, “I  am having fun”, “I am at the most expensive restaurant/hotel eating the same crap but paying a fortune to take a dump next morning”. I mean what the hell! Do you really have to publicize every god damn thing in your life? I won’t be surprised if people start uploading their bedroom scene ‘LIVE’ on social media!!!

But yeah, we all are caught in this new age stuff! We love the spotlight and ‘likes’ you know! However, its really sad that we aim at collecting all the materialistic pleasures and let go of important things like making memories that last a life time!!

Bottom line, we slog our asses, compromise on relationships, friends and family just so that we can spend on things, go to places and do stuff we don’t actually need, but want to make sure we are admired and applauded and sometimes even envied!

Regretful,

Sue!

 

Choices!

I woke up with a heavy heart this morning.. ummm.. rather this afternoon.. I haven’t been this lazy in a while, and I am enjoying every moment of it! I felt lost in thought and I just wasn’t able to understand what exactly I felt. I felt stagnant. Like my life was becoming mundane and orderly and funnily I hate it that way! I don’t like predictability and that’s a flaw everyone sees in me, but I think it is my strength! It probably stems from being creative.

Why should life be predictable and “set”? Why can’t it be more…. I don’t know.. like free! Everything we do HAS to be attached to something and I honestly don’t understand why it has to be that way? Our lives are planned and we just lead it and we forget to ‘live’ it! IF we were living, how come we don’t enjoy the simplicity of things and not want to just look at the complexities of life? How do we live simple, you may ask? It’s like we are all running a race, and we have blinkers on like horses, just focus on the destination and not the journey? Materialistic world teaches us how to achieve more and more and compete with people around you and in turn we forget that we compete with people we love, these people who are a big part of our lives, be it your family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, who ever, aren’t they who comprise your life? Why compete like race horses against your own? Who sets standards of achievement? Why can’t one feel achievement in what they do rather than comparing it with so called ‘societal standards’?

I wanna make choices that are mine and whether I regret it or be proud of it, must be mine to choose!

Well that reminds me of an incident! I was at a family gathering and yeah, my brother and I are like the black sheep. Why? We haven’t achieved much and that simply in our community means that haven’t settled in “AMERICA!!!!!!!” Big deal huh? But my brother has a concession, he travels to the US and he is a budding music director, and that puts him on a higher pedestal. I have been purely proud of his achievements(I will never tell him that though) and I don’t feel competitive with him. It’s simple.. He is different from me. I love my job as a teacher and I love the friends (hardly any left now, but yeah 2 or 3 of them) I have and the life I lead by travelling and biking sometimes baking and painting. So that’s that. But NO! my family had to make a big deal of this petty life that I live. So my aunt walked up to me while I was eating and asked me this one question, the one question that gave me an answer to what  I was doing, who I was and how I fell more in love with my life.

She said, “Did you not find a job at all, and so you settled for teaching? I could ask my son (my cousin,who was a big loser in his marriage and his half baked knowledge in medicine made me sick and he lived off his parents’ money, but owns a Porsche!!!) to put in a word in these big companies in here! You could move from Chennai(the city I loved with all my heart) and settle in Hyderabad(the upcoming wannabe city, no offence!). What do you say?”

I was flabbergasted! First of all she had the nerve to ask me about my decisions in life! I quit a job that was paying me 3 times more to “BECOME” a teacher! My eyebrows shot up and I had a smirk on my face.

I looked her in the eye and said to her, “I chose to become a teacher, simply because, I don’t want any more losers like your son in my country who lives off their parents’. I want to raise kids who can stand up for themselves, live off with whatever little they are earning and choose a career that inspires them rather than that that which impresses others!”

I saw her jaws drop! I was not the kinds who would give it back to my father’s side of the family. I always was goody little two shoes according to them. But what she said today was disregard to my integrity and disrespectful to the freedom and independence my parents gave me!

I walked out with my head held high and never felt this tall(I am super tall for a girl in reality!).

This told me just one thing! Love yourself no matter what! You might make the wrong decisions and choices, trust the wrong people or lose your favorite people, you might lose money, you could lose anything big or small but never lose heart! No one but yourself must have the highest regard and trust that you will soar high no matter how hard it might get! I found myself in these past couple months. I had lost touch with the person I used to be, the narcissist that I was, was buried too deep and I am digging her out bit by bit simply because that person had believed in herself and never gave up on herself nor did she drive herself to the extreme to wanting to end life! She was a fighter, she faced it all and fought real hard. She was ‘Joan of arc/ Rani Laskshmi Bai’!  And I think I want her back.

Robert Frost said, “Two roads diverged in yellow woods, and I took the one less traveled”, I’d say take the one that you want to travel on, don’t choose the road for any other reason!

Speaking of roads, I think I want to go on a trip! I am going to travel and discover more about myself! I’ll probably write on the go!

But until then….

Don’t give up, don’t give in, it’s your life to live,

Don’t lose hope, life is transaction you take and you give.

There is hope even when you find yourself in the deepest mess,

You can bring yourself up, but never think of yourself as any less!

 

“You won’t know the end of the tunnel, until you get into one!”~Sue

 

Nostalgia sometimes is killing.

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We didn’t realize we were making memories! We just knew that we were having fun!”

Sue was holding on, as strong as she could be. She boarded the train and she had butterflies in her tummy.

She was heading on a camp, to the same place where once the entire gang of friends went. She dreaded to live the memories and she was nervous. The highway stretched beside the railway track; the usual road they traveled very often to Bengaluru. She felt chocked and stupid!

“If only I could turn back time”, she said under her breath.

She did miss the old days, when they hung out together, spent time as much as they could and no one, no no one was allowed to disrupt “their” time.

Now it was all gone. One mistake that had washed it all away.

Would anyone ever understand what either Loki or Sue felt? Like apart from the mess Sue created, their friendship was something beyond. Loki seldom opened up to anyone, and he did to her; it meant something right? The highway curved along the track and tears trickled down her cheeks. The signboard said “Ambur”, the gang’s usual pitstop for the famous Biriyani, the tender meet and flavorsome rice was always something they never missed. Sue sighed and she was crying a little more.

Her student, who was really close to her, squeezed her hand, “Ma’am are you okay?”.

Sue quickly wiped away her tears, sniffed and nodded. “Just a little lost in thought”, she said.

Quickly the student gathered few others and wanted the entire student body on the train to dance. It was fun. Sue was a little distracted now. The teachers and students danced together and had a good laugh.

They reached their destination and boarded a bus that would take them up the hill. The students were excited and they were all chattering.

Sue, in her world. Flooded with memories and feeling chocked ;the hill climb, when they sped with their little “sound machine”. The car’s speedometer was busted and it showed a whooping “160 kmph” when their speed was not more than “80 kmph”. She remembered what fun that was, taping the speedometer wobble its way to the maximum, laughing and having fun..

She spotted the place where they pulled over for a picture, the place they ate breakfast and drank tea. This trip was definitely going to be tragic, she concluded.

She let out a sigh, took a deep breath and wiped away her tears..

To be continued……..

Anti happiness

Happiness is a state of mind. People say that you are responsible for your pain as well as your happiness. But what if someone’s sadness becomes yours and yours theirs? What if your pain is beyond healing and you are spiteful about life?

Life is unpredictable right!”, she was speaking to the birds. Shania was a lost soul for couple of weeks now. She felt numb. She felt like all the pain had just become one big ball inside her throat. She was rather hiding it all.

Shania was in her own world, she often looked worried and  had to be constantly shook out of it. He was being really supportive despite her mistakes and who she had become.

One day she met with Loki. She was tired of going on and on about their mess. Had she made her point? Did she convey what she intended to or did she mess it up more? She was unsure. She got back home and he was questioning her about why she met Loki and what made her think she was going to solve it on her own? He blamed her for having messed up his relationship with his friend. He blamed her for being stupid. He was staring at her with anger in his eyes. But she lay still. Her breath was heavy all of a sudden. And she was gasping for air. He became worried and grabbed her. She was chill. He panicked and carried her to the car and sped away to a nearby hospital….

In the hospital the nurses couldn’t tell what had happened. They plugged different equipment on her body that pinched her. She lay still. He was holding her hand calling her name. She wasn’t responding. Several needles pierced her skin and she was gasping. He was chided away and the curtains were drawn. Doctors and nurses went in and out of the room. He was pacing through the corridor. He had called his closest friend as he didnt know what else to do. They sat restlessly in the waiting area. They told him nothing for over an hour…

In the emergency room a sudden regular beep and lines on the monitor put a victorious smile on one of the intern’s face. The medicines in her blood stream was finally doing its due. She was kept under observation for couple of hours.

She woke up. The white light above her blinded her. She was feeling nauseous with the smells in the hospital. She could hear machines beep around her. She was calling out for him. Her throat dry. He was called in. He ran upto her and squeezed her hands. “Are you okay baby?” Her body was freezing cold. “Home..”, she whispered and fell asleep.He kissed her forehead and helped her up. He drove her back home watching her curl up in the car seat, thanking his lucky stars.

Ever since that night, Shania was suffering from sharp headaches. She woke up nauseous and her head was heavy. She was taken to different doctors to treat her migraine, which was her diagnosis at first. But little did it help. Finally she was taken to her family doctor. He examined her and she was prescribed medication.

“Anti depressants?”, she was baffled. She laughed. “They actually think I am depressed? This is insane!”, she snorted. He stood in front of her unwilling to listen to her; his hands stretched out and a bottle in his hand. He nudged her and offered the tablets agian. “No!”, she barked.

His eyes narrowed,”Look baby! I don’t know if this is going to work. But I can’t see you blackout like this. You are having nervour breakdowns and you don’t realize it. Because you don’t know! Just do this for me. Think about this as a cure for me.” she couldn’t put up a fight, she took it.

She would sleep for hours; her hunger was erratic. She would have hunger pangs and eat like she had never eaten before and other times , she would starve.

She stayed home and stopped going to work. All she did was sleep and sometimes, very rarely she would read. She hadn’t written in days. And she missed it. So she was determined to write. She began writing recipes in a blog. She missed work, the children and Kate.

One evening, she sat on the porch watching children play. She envied them, she missed being a child; free! She thought about their innocence, about their freedom from adult crap and their beautiful smile. She thought about how she loved being a child. She blanketed herself from all the domestic violence in her house. Her dogs were her world, only they had understood her. She hated herself now. For having become who she never was and never wanted to be. She felt very troubled and hated her existence.

She wondered if her life was worth anything at all! She was angry and frustrated. She banged the door close and jolted in a room. She was looking for something. She was sweating and tears flowed from her eyes. She found a rope and pulled it. Strips of tablets fell on the ground. She starred at them. She grabbed it and popped all of it. She threw the rope around the fan and tied a knot. The medicines kicked in and her eyes were closing. She was fighting it. She held the rope and put it around her neck and closed her eyes….

A cold breeze hit her bare legs. Was this heaven? Had she died? She was unble to open her eyes. They were heavy and her head hurt. She felt a hand hold her. She muscled up all her energy and pushed open her eye lids. It was cloudy and couldn’t see anything. She shut them, rolled her eye balls and opened them again. It was him. His eyes were swollen. His smile was weak. “Just forgive yourself baby. Its really alright! Just forget all this. I forgive you!” He brushed her hair off her face, kissed her and whispered, “Sleep my angel..”

Ending your life is definitely not a solution to problems in your life. It is not bravery but a sheer act of cowardice. Life gives you vulnerable situations and it is up to us to act accordingly. Just like we have happy and joyful moments, sadness and sorrow are as much a part of your life. They make the person who you are. They help you grow.

You will make mistakes that you regret and it is alright! You’ll be hurt, shattered, lifeless and hopeless but learn to fight it all! It does seem easy to end one’s own life and feel you are done with it, but if you have a heart and a conscience remember the people who love you, people who care about you, your mother especially who carried your weight for 9 months and took care of you as you grew up!

But more than anyone or anything, just think about yourself, about how important you are to yourself and how much you need yourself. Your dreams, ambitions, passions and everything you want will just go crashing down and do you think anything is worth letting yourself down? I don’t think so. If you love yourself truly enough to love someone, you wont hurt yourself. No one nor nothing is worth your life!
Shania learnt it the hard way..But she did regret having resorted to such a stupid act. She needed to forgive herself and she began working on it. She used art, cooking, singing, dancing, work and walking to channelize all the negative energy. She knew it was not going to be easy to just become peaceful over night,  but she promised to try everything she could to achieve it. She had lost all her confidence in herself and she needed restructuring of her mind. She probably will get there someday.. She sure will she told herself. She took a deep breath and sat on the edge of the little hill that over looked her beautiful city and sipped on her favourite juice..

– Sue

A beautiful morning

I set out for a walk early this morning. I have moved in to a new apartment. It is more like row houses. Gated community with few amenities. The new locality and the streets are broad and well laid (well laid roads in India are rare!). The streets, calm and quite away from the bustling traffic. 

I walked down the arch way of trees with birds chirping ever so gleefully. The Sun was yet to rise and the breeze was chill. The sky looked clear painted with strokes of orange and pink here and there. The clouds so white and fluffy that I almost wanted to sink into them and fall asleep. I took a deep breath of the fresh air that almost filled my soul. I felt energized and my mind felt calm. 
I watched an old lady sprinkle water in her entrance, made dots and drew lines with rice floor; this is how she starts her everyday I assumed. She effortlessly drew strokes that were going to transform into one beautiful piece of art. It is traditionally called as ‘Kollam’. Kollam in South India is housewives’ favourite work of art that they take pride in. 

I could smell fresh coffee brewing at someone’s house. Most South Indians began their day with a cup (traditionally a ‘dabrrah’) of coffee and South Indian coffee is ecstatic, although I sound boastful, it is true or probably our taste buds are tuned to it.

In a distance I heard a man scream names of different spinach that he was selling. This was what he did for an extra income, he had a full time job as a carpenter; I learnt from a quick conversation with him. People who know me, know that I make friends with most shopkeepers. I find their trade interesting and their lives even more interesting. I bought a bunch of fresh greens, said my goodbyes and continued my walk. It was more of stroll at this point. I was sucked into the beauty and intricacies of my surrounding and fitness meant little to me right now. I walked down the road and spotted an old building, a government school. The ayyamas (helpers) were lethargic and disinterested in sweeping the floor. However,  I waz drawn to the building that was old yet elegant and a huge banyan tree that sat in the middle of the bare ground. I was sure it provided shelter for children during their lunch or break. I wished I could sit under the tree and write all day and night. 

By now the Sun was beginning to peek through the clouds and it made the wind slightly warm. 

I have to get back to my mundane life. But few moments like these make all the difference and its we who have to make time to create them..

Find time for yourself everyday even if it was for few minutes. It helps you unwind and introspect. 

-Sue

Friendships day means nothing without you!

I woke up Sunday morning to texts and messages from friends and family wishing me for “Friendships” day, but it was just one person I wished, rather longed for a message from. I wish it had never gotten this bad, I wish that he never hated me so much! I wish I could turn back time and he still saw me as his best friend and not the one who tore his heart apart!

I have become oblivious to my feelings,for no amount of guilt or hurt was helping, for I know he has made it clear to everyone that he would never want to see me. Never ever! It did hurt me at first and I still feel burnt inside, but I guess only that can heal him and me. 

I had a dream the same morning.. I dreamt that I had met him at some gathering. But his eyes looked at me differently. They had pure hate and hurt and nothing more. It was probably just a dream, but it was as real as it could get. I then thought to myself, if I ever saw him and he looked at me that way, would I be able to handle it? I doubt it. But then again I console myself that he would never express his hate right to my face….

I ask myself why did I do this! Why did I hurt him and now let him hurt me? 

But a voice inside me said, “he hurts you because he hurts and not because he means to hurt you”. 

 Now I know why I find it difficult not to think of him and our years of togetherness. I miss him and his presence. Our long chats (mostly I talk and he listens), when he used to open up his true emotions and when he looked at me as special! Now I have nothing but emptiness and I don’t think anyone can take that space.. It lies empty forever! I miss my closest and best friend more than anything in this world. And I know I have lost him in my vanity. 

Hope no one ever experiences this pain ever!

Hope you cherish your closest friend and never hurt them like I did!

Happy friendship day!

-Sue

Lost a part of me forever!

​With you leaving, I lost a part of me!


I am feeling insane day by day. It is misery that has become my best friend and seems to be there for me at all times.

Off late people have begun questioning me, blaming me and judging me constantly; I have been keeping mum through it all. I smile and nod or look down in shame,not ashamed of myself but ashamed that I gave you my heart.
I was angry at me for having trusted you with my feelings. And I was heart broken that in the end I didn’t mean much, did I?

You took what was so personal and special between us in your hands and decided to crush it under the heel of your shoe. Like all that mattered was just You and nothing else! You had your priorities and I don’t blame you for that. “They” meant everything to you, I guess or I could be wrong like always. But I wonder who were “they” when you fell for me babe? Did “they” become important when you decided to let go off me?

What happened between us was something I treasure and you destroyed it; not for me, but for yourself. You brought it out in the open making it seem as if our bond was trashy and meaningless. I swallowed the pain because I knew that doing what you did gave you a sense of liberation from guilt and made you feel pure. But think about it babe.. You gave me up!

You spat out words of disgust and demeaned me and I sat through it all. You made me feel so small and ashamed of myself, something no one has ever done. It wouldn’t have mattered even if someone else did, but the fact that it was you, tears me apart.

Today, I am happy with myself, for I chose not to spit those words back at you but instead refrained from it all. I feel way above you for not having acted like a saint and behaved like a devil! You made sure that you felt like the victim and I, the accused. Not one cared about how I felt but all they did was empathise your ‘BRAVERY’.

But babe, we both know the truth and I still don’t hate you, I could never hate you or be mad at you. For my love was no ordinary love that was meant to just marry you or beget children with you. My love for you was so wonderful that it was way above mere wanting to quench our bodily urges…. It was a love that was unconditional, love so pure and raw. I don’t think you’ll ever understand babe, my love for you is for eternity. It has nothing to do with “just” being a couple and doing the regular stuff, but it was and will be a love that is way beyond my aptitude to put it into words!

You have told them your stories but I will never tell them mine. Not because of fear babe, because I am beyond being afraid today. But what was between us doesn’t need to be explained to anyone and because I gave you my word. And what the hell? I don’t owe them any reasons for ‘you and me’. I don’t care if you think otherwise.
I don’t care what the world now thinks of me today babe. But only I know the kind of love I had for you and it will die with me.

I don’t regret we met, but I wish we never became strangers.. But it was inevitable.. You said it was my decision, and that I take blame for it.

I thank you for making me heartless all over again! For helping me find my old self that was lost long ago.

Hope you find all the peace,with me gone forever!

-Sue

Love.. What is it anyway?

Dear Ava,

You know I always write to you when I feel happy or bogged down. Today I feel confused, I feel happy, I feel miserable, elated, troubled, excited, anxious and peaceful. Confused Ava? Well yeah, that’s what I’m talking about.

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That four letter word called ‘love’ which has immense control over human beings, so much so that it makes them, breaks them or even kills them. People talk endlessly about love based on their experiences.

So I’m wondering, why is that the whole world revolves around it? Why do we humans constantly need someone or something to make us feel complete? Haven’t we been made as a complete human being irrespective of a person or a thing that exist in our life??

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People fall in and out of love! What is that supposed to mean? That you could actually ask love to leave! What about memories, won’t it haunt you?

I am astounded by the effect love has on we humans. Just as we believe in God, a power above us all, we blindly believe in the definitions of love given by people who probably didn’t even know that as time changes, the meaning of love would change. Have I got that right? Because ‘love’  has become a convenient term. Like a colloquial term that has different meaning at different regions.

Honestly I don’t know what love is. It’s curtailing, exhausting and time consuming as described by many. Love is equated to money by some while others equate it to sex. I am intrigued by it’s varied definitions and explanations.

I have been in a relationship for a very long time. At times I feel I cannot survive without this person another time I feel I am better off without him. Another time I am wondering if this is what I want and yet I am sure this is what I want. How is this love when I feel so many different emotions. Or are you supposed to feel this way?

I feel happy over someone’s joy and sad over their troubles, I feel nice being pleasant and disturbed when I hurt someone. I feel compassion for the miserable and anger for the tortured.  Is this love? I want to hug everyone who makes a difference in my life and talk to people who try to make it bad. I want to lie down with my entire student population on a paddy field under a warm sunny day and narrate a story, a story they have never heard of. Is this love?

Also, recently I discovered I like someone. As in, I enjoyed his company, I wanted to be with him longer, hated goodbyes, liked listening to his voice and he was stuck in my mind all day. So is this love?

But then again, I still think my boyfriend is the one who I want to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t compare him with my boyfriend nor do I wish I want to live with this guy, but I simply can’t get him off my head. I go to bed with a heavy heart, I don’t know what it is, but it hurts. I want to text him, but I know he won’t really care. I have never thrown myself on someone like I do with him. My only physical contact with him is holding his arms while crossing or climbing, lying on his shoulder while watching a film or while riding on a bike. So it’s neither emotional nor physical attraction. So what is it? Why do I feel the way I feel? I don’t feel guilty, but sometimes I ask myself if this is wrong. He explains why we can’t be together but somehow I am not looking to be a couple. I really don’t know what I’m looking for. I annoy him a lot, I try driving him away, but I don’t want to. I have begun resorting to alcohol as ways of escapism, I try painting, cooking, cycling almost everything, but nothing helps. End of the day, my thoughts reel back to him.

In my 8+ years of relationship with my childhood sweetheart, not once have I thought about another guy nor have I felt so drawn to someone like I feel about this guy. He doesn’t make me feel special, but is always there for me. I just have to call him and he’s there. He won’t comfort me or try soothing me, but his presence soothes me and heals me. His smile, smile of innocence is so pure and magical. I catch myself looking at him all the time, when his gaze shifts to mine, something explodes in me, and when he lifts his eyebrows and gestures a ‘what?’, I just want  to throw my arms around him and hold him tight. I don’t feel like I’m being unfaithful thinking about him, I feel elated and calm, but sometimes I sit on my bed and cry, I cry until my heart feels light and I go to bed. Why I cry? I really don’t know. This state of mind sometimes makes me dull, but sometimes gives me a different sense of power, like energy of some kind.

I really wish I get over with this feeling and just be normal………

Somehow I don’t know if ‘love’ exists. Maybe all emotions together is called love. Because people make love sound like a social control, and I don’t see it that way.

Love…………. What are you? Who are you? Are you even real?

-Sue