Watching the sunrise at the beach when my city was calm, was rare to me!
Madras is bustling city, with an extremely hot and humid climate almost throughout the year and even worse, it is densely populated.
Most people in my city are from other states because it is an IT and manufacturing hub in South India. It has people from all over the country as well as from abroad. It was during some festival, long holiday season if I am right, the city was calm. Everyone had left to their native and very few of us had the privilege to expreience the rare cool breeze and the freedom of empty roads.
Don’t judge a person when they are happy and gay,
It’s not their complete self they say.
You know a person better during their bad times,
How they treat you when they are angry or sad,
Is what actually makes a person good or bad.
If you can let the person you love down,
If you can make them cry, hurt or frown,
It’s not true love you have for her or him,
It’s just that you are attached to them.
I can’t believe I gave my heart to someone,
Who could tear me apart until I was done.
I can’t believe the last night how you thrust youself,
I swallowed the pain and anger and kept to myself.
I wanted to tell you this a hundred times before,
About how I felt that night , felt sore,
But I loved you too much to hurt you anymore.
Why? Why have you left that scar in my mind?
All the while I assumed you were not that kind.
Now I understand why my love was different,
And that incident felt like it was God sent.
Was your bodily urge so great than to just be with me?
Or was it that I was just an object in your eye?
Did I mean just that after all this time?
I could be wrong but it wasn’t right,
Even after all this I couldn’t hate you or put up a fight.
Something I read that was really beautiful and heart warming.
I believe that the soul recognises what the mind or body can’t. Because your soul never dies, it’s a form of energy. Like Newton stated that,”Energy can neither be created nor destroyed, it transforms from one form to another.” As boring as it sounded during Physics class back in school; it makes sense to me when I think of the connection we have with people. You have that instant bond with people you met just yesterday and often times we say “It feels like I’ve known you for years” without understanding why we feel that way. We have that instant comfort which is inexplicable. My soul needed no introduction to you. It knew your soul the monent I met you. They recollect memories they’ve had together, the bond that’s beyond the earthly body. It’s like how tou recognise the scent of someone familiar.
Thats why you hold on to people and you don’t understand why.
A soul mate is often misunderstood. My soul feels you! And thats what a soul mate is!
I was halfway through my shower when my phone rang incessantly. My heart was heavy,I heard her cry through the phone. ” Its Max “, she said. My heart sank and I could hardly breath. I barked that it was nothing. I said he was going to be okay and nothing was wrong. She whimpered. “Renal failure they said”, she cried. Why him? He was one of the most kind hearted and affectionate dog. He was a baby when he came home, I remember that day when I first saw him. He was shy and reluctant at first but just took him few minutes to become a biggest part of my life and I his. He would have long conversations with me or complain about his day, he’d bring a bottle or his ball to play with or jump into my arms when he saw me. He loved me unconditionally and all he ever wanted was my time. I just had to sit next to him, anywhere,and it made him happy. Often times he would accompany my late night baking orders and he would be treated with his favourite cookie or a bone. He would wait tirelessly even when he would be very sleepy until I give him a go.Max was who I woke up to and kissed goodnight for years. He was adored by all.
10 days of hell.. In and out of hospitals, doctors visiting home, needles piercing through his skin, the smell of medicine and the look on his face, was killing me on the inside. I couldn’t watch him this way. It was making me go insane. He wobbled as he tried to get up and lie on my lap. Lying down next to him was what I looked forward to every night. I told him stories of him growing up, about how I hated to see him in pain and how much I love him.
The dreaded day came, his blood reports, showed that his health was deteriorating. Today it came to my decision to let him be in pain or put him to sleep. I was firm.. I was not going to put him to sleep.
I placed my hand on his heart and I told him, “Baby I am ready.. I can’t see you in pain any more.. I can’t put you down. Please don’t stay. These needles piercing your skin; I hate it.”
I wrote this when he was still alive. Tonight, he is no more. He was always obedient and he continued it until death. He waited for me and passed away.
I loved him with all my heart and the thought of not seeing him anymore kills me. But I know he is my angel and he will always guide me and be there in my heart.
I will miss him.
R.I.P my precious.
Hope to see you in heaven. We’ll spend more time there.
I set out for a walk early this morning. I have moved in to a new apartment. It is more like row houses. Gated community with few amenities. The new locality and the streets are broad and well laid (well laid roads in India are rare!). The streets, calm and quite away from the bustling traffic.
I walked down the arch way of trees with birds chirping ever so gleefully. The Sun was yet to rise and the breeze was chill. The sky looked clear painted with strokes of orange and pink here and there. The clouds so white and fluffy that I almost wanted to sink into them and fall asleep. I took a deep breath of the fresh air that almost filled my soul. I felt energized and my mind felt calm.
I watched an old lady sprinkle water in her entrance, made dots and drew lines with rice floor; this is how she starts her everyday I assumed. She effortlessly drew strokes that were going to transform into one beautiful piece of art. It is traditionally called as ‘Kollam’. Kollam in South India is housewives’ favourite work of art that they take pride in.
I could smell fresh coffee brewing at someone’s house. Most South Indians began their day with a cup (traditionally a ‘dabrrah’) of coffee and South Indian coffee is ecstatic, although I sound boastful, it is true or probably our taste buds are tuned to it.
In a distance I heard a man scream names of different spinach that he was selling. This was what he did for an extra income, he had a full time job as a carpenter; I learnt from a quick conversation with him. People who know me, know that I make friends with most shopkeepers. I find their trade interesting and their lives even more interesting. I bought a bunch of fresh greens, said my goodbyes and continued my walk. It was more of stroll at this point. I was sucked into the beauty and intricacies of my surrounding and fitness meant little to me right now. I walked down the road and spotted an old building, a government school. The ayyamas (helpers) were lethargic and disinterested in sweeping the floor. However, I waz drawn to the building that was old yet elegant and a huge banyan tree that sat in the middle of the bare ground. I was sure it provided shelter for children during their lunch or break. I wished I could sit under the tree and write all day and night.
By now the Sun was beginning to peek through the clouds and it made the wind slightly warm.
I have to get back to my mundane life. But few moments like these make all the difference and its we who have to make time to create them..
Find time for yourself everyday even if it was for few minutes. It helps you unwind and introspect.
I woke up Sunday morning to texts and messages from friends and family wishing me for “Friendships” day, but it was just one person I wished, rather longed for a message from. I wish it had never gotten this bad, I wish that he never hated me so much! I wish I could turn back time and he still saw me as his best friend and not the one who tore his heart apart!
I have become oblivious to my feelings,for no amount of guilt or hurt was helping, for I know he has made it clear to everyone that he would never want to see me. Never ever! It did hurt me at first and I still feel burnt inside, but I guess only that can heal him and me.
I had a dream the same morning.. I dreamt that I had met him at some gathering. But his eyes looked at me differently. They had pure hate and hurt and nothing more. It was probably just a dream, but it was as real as it could get. I then thought to myself, if I ever saw him and he looked at me that way, would I be able to handle it? I doubt it. But then again I console myself that he would never express his hate right to my face….
I ask myself why did I do this! Why did I hurt him and now let him hurt me?
But a voice inside me said, “he hurts you because he hurts and not because he means to hurt you”.
Now I know why I find it difficult not to think of him and our years of togetherness. I miss him and his presence. Our long chats (mostly I talk and he listens), when he used to open up his true emotions and when he looked at me as special! Now I have nothing but emptiness and I don’t think anyone can take that space.. It lies empty forever! I miss my closest and best friend more than anything in this world. And I know I have lost him in my vanity.
Hope no one ever experiences this pain ever!
Hope you cherish your closest friend and never hurt them like I did!
Happy friendship day!
I heard this song long ago.. But it popped up on my youtube today.. Few memories flashed. And I thought about how much I used to like this song. It makes so much sense for a broken heart. The lyrics are quite powerful.
I hope you enjoy this version of the Gnash and Olivia’s ‘I hate you I love you’. It used to be a song that I cried to at nights not too long ago. Just wanted to share.. Hope you’ll like it too..
I woke up this morning as miserable or rather even more than yesterday. I sat on my bed staring at the white walls in my room. It all seemed so distant to me. The air coinditioner made a loud noise and it was interrupting my thoughts. I dreaded mornings and today was nothing different. My eyes well up and I still wonder why! Suddenly the alarm goes off creating a havoc in my room. I rummage through my stuff in the basket trying to find my mobile. (In my anger last night, I tossed it across the room and now its like my mobile’s getting back at me). I finally find it and turn it off.
I groggily do my daily routine; make coffee, tabs, read few pages from a book, feed my fish, soak some clothes and cook. Yeah same thing everyday. Living alone has its pros and cons. And right now I don’t know what weighs more. I sip coffee and tears continue to trickle down my cheek. I don’t think I deserve to do this to myself. I was beginning to doubt if I had any self esteem left in me. Wht did I not one bit hate him yet? Why didn’t I react like he did? I could have said rude things like he did and hurt him back, but I didn’t! Why why why?
Here was a man who demeans me. Treats me like a tramp. Nobody has ever treated me or spoken ill of me this bad ever! And here am I sitting here crying that he thinks so low of me. Maybe he is hurting too or probably even worse, but I am finally focussed on myself! Like my feelings are important to me now, rather, finally! I think I tried empathizing enough! We were adults and no one was a child! Pointing fingers at me probably soothes his pain, but I think I won’t take blame no more!
I sat down with a bowl of muesli and coffee.( Yeah I usually don’t drink two coffees in the morning, but off late coffee is my elixir.) I could barely swallow each spoon of muesli. It felt like my throat was closing up. I felt so choked in pain. I can’t seem to get mad at him and tear him apart. I am so angry but I don’t have the heart to express it. I don’t think I need to either.
I unlock my mobile and I received few messages!
It made my day today. It made me feel a little clear. I had changed over the past few weeks and I am a different person today. Nothing like yesterday, no nothing like I used to be!
I am a woman.. So heartless…
I won’t explain myself to anyone anymore! And I won’t kill myself this way!