Choices!

I woke up with a heavy heart this morning.. ummm.. rather this afternoon.. I haven’t been this lazy in a while, and I am enjoying every moment of it! I felt lost in thought and I just wasn’t able to understand what exactly I felt. I felt stagnant. Like my life was becoming mundane and orderly and funnily I hate it that way! I don’t like predictability and that’s a flaw everyone sees in me, but I think it is my strength! It probably stems from being creative.

Why should life be predictable and “set”? Why can’t it be more…. I don’t know.. like free! Everything we do HAS to be attached to something and I honestly don’t understand why it has to be that way? Our lives are planned and we just lead it and we forget to ‘live’ it! IF we were living, how come we don’t enjoy the simplicity of things and not want to just look at the complexities of life? How do we live simple, you may ask? It’s like we are all running a race, and we have blinkers on like horses, just focus on the destination and not the journey? Materialistic world teaches us how to achieve more and more and compete with people around you and in turn we forget that we compete with people we love, these people who are a big part of our lives, be it your family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, who ever, aren’t they who comprise your life? Why compete like race horses against your own? Who sets standards of achievement? Why can’t one feel achievement in what they do rather than comparing it with so called ‘societal standards’?

I wanna make choices that are mine and whether I regret it or be proud of it, must be mine to choose!

Well that reminds me of an incident! I was at a family gathering and yeah, my brother and I are like the black sheep. Why? We haven’t achieved much and that simply in our community means that haven’t settled in “AMERICA!!!!!!!” Big deal huh? But my brother has a concession, he travels to the US and he is a budding music director, and that puts him on a higher pedestal. I have been purely proud of his achievements(I will never tell him that though) and I don’t feel competitive with him. It’s simple.. He is different from me. I love my job as a teacher and I love the friends (hardly any left now, but yeah 2 or 3 of them) I have and the life I lead by travelling and biking sometimes baking and painting. So that’s that. But NO! my family had to make a big deal of this petty life that I live. So my aunt walked up to me while I was eating and asked me this one question, the one question that gave me an answer to what  I was doing, who I was and how I fell more in love with my life.

She said, “Did you not find a job at all, and so you settled for teaching? I could ask my son (my cousin,who was a big loser in his marriage and his half baked knowledge in medicine made me sick and he lived off his parents’ money, but owns a Porsche!!!) to put in a word in these big companies in here! You could move from Chennai(the city I loved with all my heart) and settle in Hyderabad(the upcoming wannabe city, no offence!). What do you say?”

I was flabbergasted! First of all she had the nerve to ask me about my decisions in life! I quit a job that was paying me 3 times more to “BECOME” a teacher! My eyebrows shot up and I had a smirk on my face.

I looked her in the eye and said to her, “I chose to become a teacher, simply because, I don’t want any more losers like your son in my country who lives off their parents’. I want to raise kids who can stand up for themselves, live off with whatever little they are earning and choose a career that inspires them rather than that that which impresses others!”

I saw her jaws drop! I was not the kinds who would give it back to my father’s side of the family. I always was goody little two shoes according to them. But what she said today was disregard to my integrity and disrespectful to the freedom and independence my parents gave me!

I walked out with my head held high and never felt this tall(I am super tall for a girl in reality!).

This told me just one thing! Love yourself no matter what! You might make the wrong decisions and choices, trust the wrong people or lose your favorite people, you might lose money, you could lose anything big or small but never lose heart! No one but yourself must have the highest regard and trust that you will soar high no matter how hard it might get! I found myself in these past couple months. I had lost touch with the person I used to be, the narcissist that I was, was buried too deep and I am digging her out bit by bit simply because that person had believed in herself and never gave up on herself nor did she drive herself to the extreme to wanting to end life! She was a fighter, she faced it all and fought real hard. She was ‘Joan of arc/ Rani Laskshmi Bai’!  And I think I want her back.

Robert Frost said, “Two roads diverged in yellow woods, and I took the one less traveled”, I’d say take the one that you want to travel on, don’t choose the road for any other reason!

Speaking of roads, I think I want to go on a trip! I am going to travel and discover more about myself! I’ll probably write on the go!

But until then….

Don’t give up, don’t give in, it’s your life to live,

Don’t lose hope, life is transaction you take and you give.

There is hope even when you find yourself in the deepest mess,

You can bring yourself up, but never think of yourself as any less!

 

“You won’t know the end of the tunnel, until you get into one!”~Sue

 

Love.. What is it anyway?

Dear Ava,

You know I always write to you when I feel happy or bogged down. Today I feel confused, I feel happy, I feel miserable, elated, troubled, excited, anxious and peaceful. Confused Ava? Well yeah, that’s what I’m talking about.

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That four letter word called ‘love’ which has immense control over human beings, so much so that it makes them, breaks them or even kills them. People talk endlessly about love based on their experiences.

So I’m wondering, why is that the whole world revolves around it? Why do we humans constantly need someone or something to make us feel complete? Haven’t we been made as a complete human being irrespective of a person or a thing that exist in our life??

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People fall in and out of love! What is that supposed to mean? That you could actually ask love to leave! What about memories, won’t it haunt you?

I am astounded by the effect love has on we humans. Just as we believe in God, a power above us all, we blindly believe in the definitions of love given by people who probably didn’t even know that as time changes, the meaning of love would change. Have I got that right? Because ‘love’  has become a convenient term. Like a colloquial term that has different meaning at different regions.

Honestly I don’t know what love is. It’s curtailing, exhausting and time consuming as described by many. Love is equated to money by some while others equate it to sex. I am intrigued by it’s varied definitions and explanations.

I have been in a relationship for a very long time. At times I feel I cannot survive without this person another time I feel I am better off without him. Another time I am wondering if this is what I want and yet I am sure this is what I want. How is this love when I feel so many different emotions. Or are you supposed to feel this way?

I feel happy over someone’s joy and sad over their troubles, I feel nice being pleasant and disturbed when I hurt someone. I feel compassion for the miserable and anger for the tortured.  Is this love? I want to hug everyone who makes a difference in my life and talk to people who try to make it bad. I want to lie down with my entire student population on a paddy field under a warm sunny day and narrate a story, a story they have never heard of. Is this love?

Also, recently I discovered I like someone. As in, I enjoyed his company, I wanted to be with him longer, hated goodbyes, liked listening to his voice and he was stuck in my mind all day. So is this love?

But then again, I still think my boyfriend is the one who I want to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t compare him with my boyfriend nor do I wish I want to live with this guy, but I simply can’t get him off my head. I go to bed with a heavy heart, I don’t know what it is, but it hurts. I want to text him, but I know he won’t really care. I have never thrown myself on someone like I do with him. My only physical contact with him is holding his arms while crossing or climbing, lying on his shoulder while watching a film or while riding on a bike. So it’s neither emotional nor physical attraction. So what is it? Why do I feel the way I feel? I don’t feel guilty, but sometimes I ask myself if this is wrong. He explains why we can’t be together but somehow I am not looking to be a couple. I really don’t know what I’m looking for. I annoy him a lot, I try driving him away, but I don’t want to. I have begun resorting to alcohol as ways of escapism, I try painting, cooking, cycling almost everything, but nothing helps. End of the day, my thoughts reel back to him.

In my 8+ years of relationship with my childhood sweetheart, not once have I thought about another guy nor have I felt so drawn to someone like I feel about this guy. He doesn’t make me feel special, but is always there for me. I just have to call him and he’s there. He won’t comfort me or try soothing me, but his presence soothes me and heals me. His smile, smile of innocence is so pure and magical. I catch myself looking at him all the time, when his gaze shifts to mine, something explodes in me, and when he lifts his eyebrows and gestures a ‘what?’, I just want  to throw my arms around him and hold him tight. I don’t feel like I’m being unfaithful thinking about him, I feel elated and calm, but sometimes I sit on my bed and cry, I cry until my heart feels light and I go to bed. Why I cry? I really don’t know. This state of mind sometimes makes me dull, but sometimes gives me a different sense of power, like energy of some kind.

I really wish I get over with this feeling and just be normal………

Somehow I don’t know if ‘love’ exists. Maybe all emotions together is called love. Because people make love sound like a social control, and I don’t see it that way.

Love…………. What are you? Who are you? Are you even real?

-Sue