Nostalgia sometimes is killing.

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We didn’t realize we were making memories! We just knew that we were having fun!”

Sue was holding on, as strong as she could be. She boarded the train and she had butterflies in her tummy.

She was heading on a camp, to the same place where once the entire gang of friends went. She dreaded to live the memories and she was nervous. The highway stretched beside the railway track; the usual road they traveled very often to Bengaluru. She felt chocked and stupid!

“If only I could turn back time”, she said under her breath.

She did miss the old days, when they hung out together, spent time as much as they could and no one, no no one was allowed to disrupt “their” time.

Now it was all gone. One mistake that had washed it all away.

Would anyone ever understand what either Loki or Sue felt? Like apart from the mess Sue created, their friendship was something beyond. Loki seldom opened up to anyone, and he did to her; it meant something right? The highway curved along the track and tears trickled down her cheeks. The signboard said “Ambur”, the gang’s usual pitstop for the famous Biriyani, the tender meet and flavorsome rice was always something they never missed. Sue sighed and she was crying a little more.

Her student, who was really close to her, squeezed her hand, “Ma’am are you okay?”.

Sue quickly wiped away her tears, sniffed and nodded. “Just a little lost in thought”, she said.

Quickly the student gathered few others and wanted the entire student body on the train to dance. It was fun. Sue was a little distracted now. The teachers and students danced together and had a good laugh.

They reached their destination and boarded a bus that would take them up the hill. The students were excited and they were all chattering.

Sue, in her world. Flooded with memories and feeling chocked ;the hill climb, when they sped with their little “sound machine”. The car’s speedometer was busted and it showed a whooping “160 kmph” when their speed was not more than “80 kmph”. She remembered what fun that was, taping the speedometer wobble its way to the maximum, laughing and having fun..

She spotted the place where they pulled over for a picture, the place they ate breakfast and drank tea. This trip was definitely going to be tragic, she concluded.

She let out a sigh, took a deep breath and wiped away her tears..

To be continued……..

Friendships day means nothing without you!

I woke up Sunday morning to texts and messages from friends and family wishing me for “Friendships” day, but it was just one person I wished, rather longed for a message from. I wish it had never gotten this bad, I wish that he never hated me so much! I wish I could turn back time and he still saw me as his best friend and not the one who tore his heart apart!

I have become oblivious to my feelings,for no amount of guilt or hurt was helping, for I know he has made it clear to everyone that he would never want to see me. Never ever! It did hurt me at first and I still feel burnt inside, but I guess only that can heal him and me. 

I had a dream the same morning.. I dreamt that I had met him at some gathering. But his eyes looked at me differently. They had pure hate and hurt and nothing more. It was probably just a dream, but it was as real as it could get. I then thought to myself, if I ever saw him and he looked at me that way, would I be able to handle it? I doubt it. But then again I console myself that he would never express his hate right to my face….

I ask myself why did I do this! Why did I hurt him and now let him hurt me? 

But a voice inside me said, “he hurts you because he hurts and not because he means to hurt you”. 

 Now I know why I find it difficult not to think of him and our years of togetherness. I miss him and his presence. Our long chats (mostly I talk and he listens), when he used to open up his true emotions and when he looked at me as special! Now I have nothing but emptiness and I don’t think anyone can take that space.. It lies empty forever! I miss my closest and best friend more than anything in this world. And I know I have lost him in my vanity. 

Hope no one ever experiences this pain ever!

Hope you cherish your closest friend and never hurt them like I did!

Happy friendship day!

-Sue

Love.. What is it anyway?

Dear Ava,

You know I always write to you when I feel happy or bogged down. Today I feel confused, I feel happy, I feel miserable, elated, troubled, excited, anxious and peaceful. Confused Ava? Well yeah, that’s what I’m talking about.

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That four letter word called ‘love’ which has immense control over human beings, so much so that it makes them, breaks them or even kills them. People talk endlessly about love based on their experiences.

So I’m wondering, why is that the whole world revolves around it? Why do we humans constantly need someone or something to make us feel complete? Haven’t we been made as a complete human being irrespective of a person or a thing that exist in our life??

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People fall in and out of love! What is that supposed to mean? That you could actually ask love to leave! What about memories, won’t it haunt you?

I am astounded by the effect love has on we humans. Just as we believe in God, a power above us all, we blindly believe in the definitions of love given by people who probably didn’t even know that as time changes, the meaning of love would change. Have I got that right? Because ‘love’  has become a convenient term. Like a colloquial term that has different meaning at different regions.

Honestly I don’t know what love is. It’s curtailing, exhausting and time consuming as described by many. Love is equated to money by some while others equate it to sex. I am intrigued by it’s varied definitions and explanations.

I have been in a relationship for a very long time. At times I feel I cannot survive without this person another time I feel I am better off without him. Another time I am wondering if this is what I want and yet I am sure this is what I want. How is this love when I feel so many different emotions. Or are you supposed to feel this way?

I feel happy over someone’s joy and sad over their troubles, I feel nice being pleasant and disturbed when I hurt someone. I feel compassion for the miserable and anger for the tortured.  Is this love? I want to hug everyone who makes a difference in my life and talk to people who try to make it bad. I want to lie down with my entire student population on a paddy field under a warm sunny day and narrate a story, a story they have never heard of. Is this love?

Also, recently I discovered I like someone. As in, I enjoyed his company, I wanted to be with him longer, hated goodbyes, liked listening to his voice and he was stuck in my mind all day. So is this love?

But then again, I still think my boyfriend is the one who I want to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t compare him with my boyfriend nor do I wish I want to live with this guy, but I simply can’t get him off my head. I go to bed with a heavy heart, I don’t know what it is, but it hurts. I want to text him, but I know he won’t really care. I have never thrown myself on someone like I do with him. My only physical contact with him is holding his arms while crossing or climbing, lying on his shoulder while watching a film or while riding on a bike. So it’s neither emotional nor physical attraction. So what is it? Why do I feel the way I feel? I don’t feel guilty, but sometimes I ask myself if this is wrong. He explains why we can’t be together but somehow I am not looking to be a couple. I really don’t know what I’m looking for. I annoy him a lot, I try driving him away, but I don’t want to. I have begun resorting to alcohol as ways of escapism, I try painting, cooking, cycling almost everything, but nothing helps. End of the day, my thoughts reel back to him.

In my 8+ years of relationship with my childhood sweetheart, not once have I thought about another guy nor have I felt so drawn to someone like I feel about this guy. He doesn’t make me feel special, but is always there for me. I just have to call him and he’s there. He won’t comfort me or try soothing me, but his presence soothes me and heals me. His smile, smile of innocence is so pure and magical. I catch myself looking at him all the time, when his gaze shifts to mine, something explodes in me, and when he lifts his eyebrows and gestures a ‘what?’, I just want  to throw my arms around him and hold him tight. I don’t feel like I’m being unfaithful thinking about him, I feel elated and calm, but sometimes I sit on my bed and cry, I cry until my heart feels light and I go to bed. Why I cry? I really don’t know. This state of mind sometimes makes me dull, but sometimes gives me a different sense of power, like energy of some kind.

I really wish I get over with this feeling and just be normal………

Somehow I don’t know if ‘love’ exists. Maybe all emotions together is called love. Because people make love sound like a social control, and I don’t see it that way.

Love…………. What are you? Who are you? Are you even real?

-Sue