Nostalgia sometimes is killing.

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We didn’t realize we were making memories! We just knew that we were having fun!”

Sue was holding on, as strong as she could be. She boarded the train and she had butterflies in her tummy.

She was heading on a camp, to the same place where once the entire gang of friends went. She dreaded to live the memories and she was nervous. The highway stretched beside the railway track; the usual road they traveled very often to Bengaluru. She felt chocked and stupid!

“If only I could turn back time”, she said under her breath.

She did miss the old days, when they hung out together, spent time as much as they could and no one, no no one was allowed to disrupt “their” time.

Now it was all gone. One mistake that had washed it all away.

Would anyone ever understand what either Loki or Sue felt? Like apart from the mess Sue created, their friendship was something beyond. Loki seldom opened up to anyone, and he did to her; it meant something right? The highway curved along the track and tears trickled down her cheeks. The signboard said “Ambur”, the gang’s usual pitstop for the famous Biriyani, the tender meet and flavorsome rice was always something they never missed. Sue sighed and she was crying a little more.

Her student, who was really close to her, squeezed her hand, “Ma’am are you okay?”.

Sue quickly wiped away her tears, sniffed and nodded. “Just a little lost in thought”, she said.

Quickly the student gathered few others and wanted the entire student body on the train to dance. It was fun. Sue was a little distracted now. The teachers and students danced together and had a good laugh.

They reached their destination and boarded a bus that would take them up the hill. The students were excited and they were all chattering.

Sue, in her world. Flooded with memories and feeling chocked ;the hill climb, when they sped with their little “sound machine”. The car’s speedometer was busted and it showed a whooping “160 kmph” when their speed was not more than “80 kmph”. She remembered what fun that was, taping the speedometer wobble its way to the maximum, laughing and having fun..

She spotted the place where they pulled over for a picture, the place they ate breakfast and drank tea. This trip was definitely going to be tragic, she concluded.

She let out a sigh, took a deep breath and wiped away her tears..

To be continued……..

My precious Max

I was halfway through my shower when my phone rang incessantly.  My heart was heavy,I heard her cry through the phone. ” Its Max “, she said. My heart sank and I could hardly breath. I barked that it was nothing. I said he was going to be okay and nothing was wrong. She whimpered. “Renal failure they said”, she cried. Why him? He was one of the most kind hearted and affectionate dog. He was a baby when he came home, I remember that day when I first saw him. He was shy and reluctant at first but just took him few minutes to become a biggest part of my life and I his. He would have long conversations with me or complain about his day, he’d bring a bottle or his ball to play with or jump into my arms when he saw me. He loved me unconditionally and all he ever wanted was my time. I just had to sit next to him, anywhere,and it made him happy. Often times he would accompany my late night baking orders and he would be treated with his favourite cookie or a bone. He would wait tirelessly even when he would be very sleepy until I give him a go.Max was who I woke up to and kissed goodnight for years. He was adored by all.

10 days of hell.. In and out of hospitals, doctors visiting home, needles piercing through his skin, the smell of medicine and the look on his face, was killing me on the inside. I couldn’t watch him this way. It was making me go insane. He wobbled as he tried to get up and lie on my lap. Lying down next to him was what I looked forward to every night. I told him stories of him growing up, about how I hated to see him in pain and how much I love him.

The dreaded day came, his blood reports, showed that his health was deteriorating. Today it came to my decision to let him be in pain or put him to sleep. I was firm.. I was not going to put him to sleep. 

I placed my hand on his heart and I told him, “Baby I am ready.. I can’t see you in pain any more.. I can’t put you down. Please don’t stay. These needles piercing your skin; I hate it.”

I wrote this when he was still alive. Tonight, he is no more. He was always obedient and he continued it until death. He waited for me and passed away. 

I loved him with all my heart and the thought of not seeing him anymore kills me. But I know he is my angel and he will always guide me and be there in my heart.

I will miss him. 

R.I.P my precious.

Hope to see you in heaven. We’ll spend more time there. 

-Sue

Love is not everything that makes a relationship!

It’s strange how I feel today. I feel extremely happy and elated and depressed and sad at the same time. I feel like I have anwers to all my questions and I am ready to face the world but deep down I feel like a coward unable to speak the truth. Its not easy throwing away all you got for that one person you love so much (I can picture you rolling your eyes saying, ‘haven’t we all been there and done that?’). True it happens to a lot of people and it happens quite often, but somehow this time it feels different and extremely important to me. I don’t believe in ‘the one’ or ‘Mr. Right’, I do believe in connection and that unless you take the effort no relationship works. There is this bubble in which many live in and that they think that the initial love and intimacy lasts forever. But here’s the truth, no it doesn’t. Nothing lasts forever if you don’t take the time and effort to make it last. Its in your best interest that makes it work.

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I read this post recently and it made a lot of sense to me. The very word has no effect on us, its the theory of reinforcement in Psychology that accounts to the ‘butterflies in the belly’ effect. Its either the happy chemical Serotonin or the estrogens and testosterone that causes the fuzziness.  Dont let this fool you. Love is treacherous and it can swoon you, make you believe in and finally suck out your happiness. Choose to liberate yourself and your relationships from just a single entity called “Love”. Go beyond and discovery all the intricacies that make a beautiful relationship last..

-Sue

Love.. What is it anyway?

Dear Ava,

You know I always write to you when I feel happy or bogged down. Today I feel confused, I feel happy, I feel miserable, elated, troubled, excited, anxious and peaceful. Confused Ava? Well yeah, that’s what I’m talking about.

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That four letter word called ‘love’ which has immense control over human beings, so much so that it makes them, breaks them or even kills them. People talk endlessly about love based on their experiences.

So I’m wondering, why is that the whole world revolves around it? Why do we humans constantly need someone or something to make us feel complete? Haven’t we been made as a complete human being irrespective of a person or a thing that exist in our life??

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People fall in and out of love! What is that supposed to mean? That you could actually ask love to leave! What about memories, won’t it haunt you?

I am astounded by the effect love has on we humans. Just as we believe in God, a power above us all, we blindly believe in the definitions of love given by people who probably didn’t even know that as time changes, the meaning of love would change. Have I got that right? Because ‘love’  has become a convenient term. Like a colloquial term that has different meaning at different regions.

Honestly I don’t know what love is. It’s curtailing, exhausting and time consuming as described by many. Love is equated to money by some while others equate it to sex. I am intrigued by it’s varied definitions and explanations.

I have been in a relationship for a very long time. At times I feel I cannot survive without this person another time I feel I am better off without him. Another time I am wondering if this is what I want and yet I am sure this is what I want. How is this love when I feel so many different emotions. Or are you supposed to feel this way?

I feel happy over someone’s joy and sad over their troubles, I feel nice being pleasant and disturbed when I hurt someone. I feel compassion for the miserable and anger for the tortured.  Is this love? I want to hug everyone who makes a difference in my life and talk to people who try to make it bad. I want to lie down with my entire student population on a paddy field under a warm sunny day and narrate a story, a story they have never heard of. Is this love?

Also, recently I discovered I like someone. As in, I enjoyed his company, I wanted to be with him longer, hated goodbyes, liked listening to his voice and he was stuck in my mind all day. So is this love?

But then again, I still think my boyfriend is the one who I want to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t compare him with my boyfriend nor do I wish I want to live with this guy, but I simply can’t get him off my head. I go to bed with a heavy heart, I don’t know what it is, but it hurts. I want to text him, but I know he won’t really care. I have never thrown myself on someone like I do with him. My only physical contact with him is holding his arms while crossing or climbing, lying on his shoulder while watching a film or while riding on a bike. So it’s neither emotional nor physical attraction. So what is it? Why do I feel the way I feel? I don’t feel guilty, but sometimes I ask myself if this is wrong. He explains why we can’t be together but somehow I am not looking to be a couple. I really don’t know what I’m looking for. I annoy him a lot, I try driving him away, but I don’t want to. I have begun resorting to alcohol as ways of escapism, I try painting, cooking, cycling almost everything, but nothing helps. End of the day, my thoughts reel back to him.

In my 8+ years of relationship with my childhood sweetheart, not once have I thought about another guy nor have I felt so drawn to someone like I feel about this guy. He doesn’t make me feel special, but is always there for me. I just have to call him and he’s there. He won’t comfort me or try soothing me, but his presence soothes me and heals me. His smile, smile of innocence is so pure and magical. I catch myself looking at him all the time, when his gaze shifts to mine, something explodes in me, and when he lifts his eyebrows and gestures a ‘what?’, I just want  to throw my arms around him and hold him tight. I don’t feel like I’m being unfaithful thinking about him, I feel elated and calm, but sometimes I sit on my bed and cry, I cry until my heart feels light and I go to bed. Why I cry? I really don’t know. This state of mind sometimes makes me dull, but sometimes gives me a different sense of power, like energy of some kind.

I really wish I get over with this feeling and just be normal………

Somehow I don’t know if ‘love’ exists. Maybe all emotions together is called love. Because people make love sound like a social control, and I don’t see it that way.

Love…………. What are you? Who are you? Are you even real?

-Sue