Choices!

I woke up with a heavy heart this morning.. ummm.. rather this afternoon.. I haven’t been this lazy in a while, and I am enjoying every moment of it! I felt lost in thought and I just wasn’t able to understand what exactly I felt. I felt stagnant. Like my life was becoming mundane and orderly and funnily I hate it that way! I don’t like predictability and that’s a flaw everyone sees in me, but I think it is my strength! It probably stems from being creative.

Why should life be predictable and “set”? Why can’t it be more…. I don’t know.. like free! Everything we do HAS to be attached to something and I honestly don’t understand why it has to be that way? Our lives are planned and we just lead it and we forget to ‘live’ it! IF we were living, how come we don’t enjoy the simplicity of things and not want to just look at the complexities of life? How do we live simple, you may ask? It’s like we are all running a race, and we have blinkers on like horses, just focus on the destination and not the journey? Materialistic world teaches us how to achieve more and more and compete with people around you and in turn we forget that we compete with people we love, these people who are a big part of our lives, be it your family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, who ever, aren’t they who comprise your life? Why compete like race horses against your own? Who sets standards of achievement? Why can’t one feel achievement in what they do rather than comparing it with so called ‘societal standards’?

I wanna make choices that are mine and whether I regret it or be proud of it, must be mine to choose!

Well that reminds me of an incident! I was at a family gathering and yeah, my brother and I are like the black sheep. Why? We haven’t achieved much and that simply in our community means that haven’t settled in “AMERICA!!!!!!!” Big deal huh? But my brother has a concession, he travels to the US and he is a budding music director, and that puts him on a higher pedestal. I have been purely proud of his achievements(I will never tell him that though) and I don’t feel competitive with him. It’s simple.. He is different from me. I love my job as a teacher and I love the friends (hardly any left now, but yeah 2 or 3 of them) I have and the life I lead by travelling and biking sometimes baking and painting. So that’s that. But NO! my family had to make a big deal of this petty life that I live. So my aunt walked up to me while I was eating and asked me this one question, the one question that gave me an answer to what  I was doing, who I was and how I fell more in love with my life.

She said, “Did you not find a job at all, and so you settled for teaching? I could ask my son (my cousin,who was a big loser in his marriage and his half baked knowledge in medicine made me sick and he lived off his parents’ money, but owns a Porsche!!!) to put in a word in these big companies in here! You could move from Chennai(the city I loved with all my heart) and settle in Hyderabad(the upcoming wannabe city, no offence!). What do you say?”

I was flabbergasted! First of all she had the nerve to ask me about my decisions in life! I quit a job that was paying me 3 times more to “BECOME” a teacher! My eyebrows shot up and I had a smirk on my face.

I looked her in the eye and said to her, “I chose to become a teacher, simply because, I don’t want any more losers like your son in my country who lives off their parents’. I want to raise kids who can stand up for themselves, live off with whatever little they are earning and choose a career that inspires them rather than that that which impresses others!”

I saw her jaws drop! I was not the kinds who would give it back to my father’s side of the family. I always was goody little two shoes according to them. But what she said today was disregard to my integrity and disrespectful to the freedom and independence my parents gave me!

I walked out with my head held high and never felt this tall(I am super tall for a girl in reality!).

This told me just one thing! Love yourself no matter what! You might make the wrong decisions and choices, trust the wrong people or lose your favorite people, you might lose money, you could lose anything big or small but never lose heart! No one but yourself must have the highest regard and trust that you will soar high no matter how hard it might get! I found myself in these past couple months. I had lost touch with the person I used to be, the narcissist that I was, was buried too deep and I am digging her out bit by bit simply because that person had believed in herself and never gave up on herself nor did she drive herself to the extreme to wanting to end life! She was a fighter, she faced it all and fought real hard. She was ‘Joan of arc/ Rani Laskshmi Bai’!  And I think I want her back.

Robert Frost said, “Two roads diverged in yellow woods, and I took the one less traveled”, I’d say take the one that you want to travel on, don’t choose the road for any other reason!

Speaking of roads, I think I want to go on a trip! I am going to travel and discover more about myself! I’ll probably write on the go!

But until then….

Don’t give up, don’t give in, it’s your life to live,

Don’t lose hope, life is transaction you take and you give.

There is hope even when you find yourself in the deepest mess,

You can bring yourself up, but never think of yourself as any less!

 

“You won’t know the end of the tunnel, until you get into one!”~Sue

 

Lost a part of me forever!

​With you leaving, I lost a part of me!


I am feeling insane day by day. It is misery that has become my best friend and seems to be there for me at all times.

Off late people have begun questioning me, blaming me and judging me constantly; I have been keeping mum through it all. I smile and nod or look down in shame,not ashamed of myself but ashamed that I gave you my heart.
I was angry at me for having trusted you with my feelings. And I was heart broken that in the end I didn’t mean much, did I?

You took what was so personal and special between us in your hands and decided to crush it under the heel of your shoe. Like all that mattered was just You and nothing else! You had your priorities and I don’t blame you for that. “They” meant everything to you, I guess or I could be wrong like always. But I wonder who were “they” when you fell for me babe? Did “they” become important when you decided to let go off me?

What happened between us was something I treasure and you destroyed it; not for me, but for yourself. You brought it out in the open making it seem as if our bond was trashy and meaningless. I swallowed the pain because I knew that doing what you did gave you a sense of liberation from guilt and made you feel pure. But think about it babe.. You gave me up!

You spat out words of disgust and demeaned me and I sat through it all. You made me feel so small and ashamed of myself, something no one has ever done. It wouldn’t have mattered even if someone else did, but the fact that it was you, tears me apart.

Today, I am happy with myself, for I chose not to spit those words back at you but instead refrained from it all. I feel way above you for not having acted like a saint and behaved like a devil! You made sure that you felt like the victim and I, the accused. Not one cared about how I felt but all they did was empathise your ‘BRAVERY’.

But babe, we both know the truth and I still don’t hate you, I could never hate you or be mad at you. For my love was no ordinary love that was meant to just marry you or beget children with you. My love for you was so wonderful that it was way above mere wanting to quench our bodily urges…. It was a love that was unconditional, love so pure and raw. I don’t think you’ll ever understand babe, my love for you is for eternity. It has nothing to do with “just” being a couple and doing the regular stuff, but it was and will be a love that is way beyond my aptitude to put it into words!

You have told them your stories but I will never tell them mine. Not because of fear babe, because I am beyond being afraid today. But what was between us doesn’t need to be explained to anyone and because I gave you my word. And what the hell? I don’t owe them any reasons for ‘you and me’. I don’t care if you think otherwise.
I don’t care what the world now thinks of me today babe. But only I know the kind of love I had for you and it will die with me.

I don’t regret we met, but I wish we never became strangers.. But it was inevitable.. You said it was my decision, and that I take blame for it.

I thank you for making me heartless all over again! For helping me find my old self that was lost long ago.

Hope you find all the peace,with me gone forever!

-Sue