Choices!

I woke up with a heavy heart this morning.. ummm.. rather this afternoon.. I haven’t been this lazy in a while, and I am enjoying every moment of it! I felt lost in thought and I just wasn’t able to understand what exactly I felt. I felt stagnant. Like my life was becoming mundane and orderly and funnily I hate it that way! I don’t like predictability and that’s a flaw everyone sees in me, but I think it is my strength! It probably stems from being creative.

Why should life be predictable and “set”? Why can’t it be more…. I don’t know.. like free! Everything we do HAS to be attached to something and I honestly don’t understand why it has to be that way? Our lives are planned and we just lead it and we forget to ‘live’ it! IF we were living, how come we don’t enjoy the simplicity of things and not want to just look at the complexities of life? How do we live simple, you may ask? It’s like we are all running a race, and we have blinkers on like horses, just focus on the destination and not the journey? Materialistic world teaches us how to achieve more and more and compete with people around you and in turn we forget that we compete with people we love, these people who are a big part of our lives, be it your family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, who ever, aren’t they who comprise your life? Why compete like race horses against your own? Who sets standards of achievement? Why can’t one feel achievement in what they do rather than comparing it with so called ‘societal standards’?

I wanna make choices that are mine and whether I regret it or be proud of it, must be mine to choose!

Well that reminds me of an incident! I was at a family gathering and yeah, my brother and I are like the black sheep. Why? We haven’t achieved much and that simply in our community means that haven’t settled in “AMERICA!!!!!!!” Big deal huh? But my brother has a concession, he travels to the US and he is a budding music director, and that puts him on a higher pedestal. I have been purely proud of his achievements(I will never tell him that though) and I don’t feel competitive with him. It’s simple.. He is different from me. I love my job as a teacher and I love the friends (hardly any left now, but yeah 2 or 3 of them) I have and the life I lead by travelling and biking sometimes baking and painting. So that’s that. But NO! my family had to make a big deal of this petty life that I live. So my aunt walked up to me while I was eating and asked me this one question, the one question that gave me an answer to what  I was doing, who I was and how I fell more in love with my life.

She said, “Did you not find a job at all, and so you settled for teaching? I could ask my son (my cousin,who was a big loser in his marriage and his half baked knowledge in medicine made me sick and he lived off his parents’ money, but owns a Porsche!!!) to put in a word in these big companies in here! You could move from Chennai(the city I loved with all my heart) and settle in Hyderabad(the upcoming wannabe city, no offence!). What do you say?”

I was flabbergasted! First of all she had the nerve to ask me about my decisions in life! I quit a job that was paying me 3 times more to “BECOME” a teacher! My eyebrows shot up and I had a smirk on my face.

I looked her in the eye and said to her, “I chose to become a teacher, simply because, I don’t want any more losers like your son in my country who lives off their parents’. I want to raise kids who can stand up for themselves, live off with whatever little they are earning and choose a career that inspires them rather than that that which impresses others!”

I saw her jaws drop! I was not the kinds who would give it back to my father’s side of the family. I always was goody little two shoes according to them. But what she said today was disregard to my integrity and disrespectful to the freedom and independence my parents gave me!

I walked out with my head held high and never felt this tall(I am super tall for a girl in reality!).

This told me just one thing! Love yourself no matter what! You might make the wrong decisions and choices, trust the wrong people or lose your favorite people, you might lose money, you could lose anything big or small but never lose heart! No one but yourself must have the highest regard and trust that you will soar high no matter how hard it might get! I found myself in these past couple months. I had lost touch with the person I used to be, the narcissist that I was, was buried too deep and I am digging her out bit by bit simply because that person had believed in herself and never gave up on herself nor did she drive herself to the extreme to wanting to end life! She was a fighter, she faced it all and fought real hard. She was ‘Joan of arc/ Rani Laskshmi Bai’!  And I think I want her back.

Robert Frost said, “Two roads diverged in yellow woods, and I took the one less traveled”, I’d say take the one that you want to travel on, don’t choose the road for any other reason!

Speaking of roads, I think I want to go on a trip! I am going to travel and discover more about myself! I’ll probably write on the go!

But until then….

Don’t give up, don’t give in, it’s your life to live,

Don’t lose hope, life is transaction you take and you give.

There is hope even when you find yourself in the deepest mess,

You can bring yourself up, but never think of yourself as any less!

 

“You won’t know the end of the tunnel, until you get into one!”~Sue

 

Endless love 💜

​”Endless love”.. 

It was rather a beautiful movie. 

A movie about summer love, passion, trust and turbulences. 

David and Jade fall in love and they fight to make it work.. 

“A love so big, so strong, it never dies, never fades, never loses its electricity….”

Keeping love alive is not easy.. Its a lot of work. A relationship needs time and effort.. Would you cherish it if it was that easy?

“True love is that you always put first.. That makes you wanna be good and do better… “

If it didnt drive you insane yet at the same time help you keep sane, it ain’t love.. Love drives you crazy and also makes you a better person. You help each other to grow as a person. Love doesn’t mean to  curtail another…. It simply means to liberate yourself from all the shackles and be true to that ‘one’ person. Be your true self without having to pretend.. 
But sometimes, when its gone, a piece of you dies with it.. It is painful.. You mourn for days.. Probably for years.. Maybe a lifetime.. But memories last forever.. 

Right there, don’t let it drown you! Let it be the reason you have to put yourself together. Think of good times and all that wonderful things that made you a better person.. It happened for a reason, didnt it? You did love every moment of it, didn’t you? Make this pain your strength to fight battles in life!

“Time helps.. Its slow and painful.. But it works… Talking helps.. Going out with other people.. Seeing friends.. She’ll be like a book you read long ago..”



Is that true?Will all the pain set you free if you try? Is this the end? Is this really ending now? All our endless love…..

-Sue

Believe in yourself!

Teaching, cooking, baking, reading and painting are that which keep me sane..

I love being a teacher.. And this was a poem I wrote for my student. She was someone who constantly looked down at herself and she was low on confidence. I struggled each day to encourage her and get her spirits high. It affected me on most days and I felt hopeless and frustrated. Nevertheless, I won’t give up on her. I will do everything that I can and make whatever little difference in her life that I am deemed to. I was born for a purpose just like I told her, and I won’t give up until I can get through to her.. So on her 16th birthday, I wrote her a poem and hoped someday she would be able to understand what I meant..

 Happy birthday my li’l girl..

Dear Sheena,

Aren’t you excited on turning 16?

I want you to remember that you are born for a purpose.

You light up the world for your parents and sister,

You are not a trouble for your teachers!

You are special in your own wonderful way,

Dont matter what you feel about yourself today,

I am sure you’ll know your worth someday.

And then you’ll look at me with your head held high,

I will watch you go places near and far,

And with complete pride,I will say….

That’s my girl, standing tall right there,

All the while, I knew she had it in her!

Happy birthday precious girl! 

Always believe in yourself.

Love and blessings,

Sue Ma’am