Choices!

I woke up with a heavy heart this morning.. ummm.. rather this afternoon.. I haven’t been this lazy in a while, and I am enjoying every moment of it! I felt lost in thought and I just wasn’t able to understand what exactly I felt. I felt stagnant. Like my life was becoming mundane and orderly and funnily I hate it that way! I don’t like predictability and that’s a flaw everyone sees in me, but I think it is my strength! It probably stems from being creative.

Why should life be predictable and “set”? Why can’t it be more…. I don’t know.. like free! Everything we do HAS to be attached to something and I honestly don’t understand why it has to be that way? Our lives are planned and we just lead it and we forget to ‘live’ it! IF we were living, how come we don’t enjoy the simplicity of things and not want to just look at the complexities of life? How do we live simple, you may ask? It’s like we are all running a race, and we have blinkers on like horses, just focus on the destination and not the journey? Materialistic world teaches us how to achieve more and more and compete with people around you and in turn we forget that we compete with people we love, these people who are a big part of our lives, be it your family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, who ever, aren’t they who comprise your life? Why compete like race horses against your own? Who sets standards of achievement? Why can’t one feel achievement in what they do rather than comparing it with so called ‘societal standards’?

I wanna make choices that are mine and whether I regret it or be proud of it, must be mine to choose!

Well that reminds me of an incident! I was at a family gathering and yeah, my brother and I are like the black sheep. Why? We haven’t achieved much and that simply in our community means that haven’t settled in “AMERICA!!!!!!!” Big deal huh? But my brother has a concession, he travels to the US and he is a budding music director, and that puts him on a higher pedestal. I have been purely proud of his achievements(I will never tell him that though) and I don’t feel competitive with him. It’s simple.. He is different from me. I love my job as a teacher and I love the friends (hardly any left now, but yeah 2 or 3 of them) I have and the life I lead by travelling and biking sometimes baking and painting. So that’s that. But NO! my family had to make a big deal of this petty life that I live. So my aunt walked up to me while I was eating and asked me this one question, the one question that gave me an answer to what  I was doing, who I was and how I fell more in love with my life.

She said, “Did you not find a job at all, and so you settled for teaching? I could ask my son (my cousin,who was a big loser in his marriage and his half baked knowledge in medicine made me sick and he lived off his parents’ money, but owns a Porsche!!!) to put in a word in these big companies in here! You could move from Chennai(the city I loved with all my heart) and settle in Hyderabad(the upcoming wannabe city, no offence!). What do you say?”

I was flabbergasted! First of all she had the nerve to ask me about my decisions in life! I quit a job that was paying me 3 times more to “BECOME” a teacher! My eyebrows shot up and I had a smirk on my face.

I looked her in the eye and said to her, “I chose to become a teacher, simply because, I don’t want any more losers like your son in my country who lives off their parents’. I want to raise kids who can stand up for themselves, live off with whatever little they are earning and choose a career that inspires them rather than that that which impresses others!”

I saw her jaws drop! I was not the kinds who would give it back to my father’s side of the family. I always was goody little two shoes according to them. But what she said today was disregard to my integrity and disrespectful to the freedom and independence my parents gave me!

I walked out with my head held high and never felt this tall(I am super tall for a girl in reality!).

This told me just one thing! Love yourself no matter what! You might make the wrong decisions and choices, trust the wrong people or lose your favorite people, you might lose money, you could lose anything big or small but never lose heart! No one but yourself must have the highest regard and trust that you will soar high no matter how hard it might get! I found myself in these past couple months. I had lost touch with the person I used to be, the narcissist that I was, was buried too deep and I am digging her out bit by bit simply because that person had believed in herself and never gave up on herself nor did she drive herself to the extreme to wanting to end life! She was a fighter, she faced it all and fought real hard. She was ‘Joan of arc/ Rani Laskshmi Bai’!  And I think I want her back.

Robert Frost said, “Two roads diverged in yellow woods, and I took the one less traveled”, I’d say take the one that you want to travel on, don’t choose the road for any other reason!

Speaking of roads, I think I want to go on a trip! I am going to travel and discover more about myself! I’ll probably write on the go!

But until then….

Don’t give up, don’t give in, it’s your life to live,

Don’t lose hope, life is transaction you take and you give.

There is hope even when you find yourself in the deepest mess,

You can bring yourself up, but never think of yourself as any less!

 

“You won’t know the end of the tunnel, until you get into one!”~Sue

 

Nostalgia sometimes is killing.

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We didn’t realize we were making memories! We just knew that we were having fun!”

Sue was holding on, as strong as she could be. She boarded the train and she had butterflies in her tummy.

She was heading on a camp, to the same place where once the entire gang of friends went. She dreaded to live the memories and she was nervous. The highway stretched beside the railway track; the usual road they traveled very often to Bengaluru. She felt chocked and stupid!

“If only I could turn back time”, she said under her breath.

She did miss the old days, when they hung out together, spent time as much as they could and no one, no no one was allowed to disrupt “their” time.

Now it was all gone. One mistake that had washed it all away.

Would anyone ever understand what either Loki or Sue felt? Like apart from the mess Sue created, their friendship was something beyond. Loki seldom opened up to anyone, and he did to her; it meant something right? The highway curved along the track and tears trickled down her cheeks. The signboard said “Ambur”, the gang’s usual pitstop for the famous Biriyani, the tender meet and flavorsome rice was always something they never missed. Sue sighed and she was crying a little more.

Her student, who was really close to her, squeezed her hand, “Ma’am are you okay?”.

Sue quickly wiped away her tears, sniffed and nodded. “Just a little lost in thought”, she said.

Quickly the student gathered few others and wanted the entire student body on the train to dance. It was fun. Sue was a little distracted now. The teachers and students danced together and had a good laugh.

They reached their destination and boarded a bus that would take them up the hill. The students were excited and they were all chattering.

Sue, in her world. Flooded with memories and feeling chocked ;the hill climb, when they sped with their little “sound machine”. The car’s speedometer was busted and it showed a whooping “160 kmph” when their speed was not more than “80 kmph”. She remembered what fun that was, taping the speedometer wobble its way to the maximum, laughing and having fun..

She spotted the place where they pulled over for a picture, the place they ate breakfast and drank tea. This trip was definitely going to be tragic, she concluded.

She let out a sigh, took a deep breath and wiped away her tears..

To be continued……..

Anti happiness

Happiness is a state of mind. People say that you are responsible for your pain as well as your happiness. But what if someone’s sadness becomes yours and yours theirs? What if your pain is beyond healing and you are spiteful about life?

Life is unpredictable right!”, she was speaking to the birds. Shania was a lost soul for couple of weeks now. She felt numb. She felt like all the pain had just become one big ball inside her throat. She was rather hiding it all.

Shania was in her own world, she often looked worried and  had to be constantly shook out of it. He was being really supportive despite her mistakes and who she had become.

One day she met with Loki. She was tired of going on and on about their mess. Had she made her point? Did she convey what she intended to or did she mess it up more? She was unsure. She got back home and he was questioning her about why she met Loki and what made her think she was going to solve it on her own? He blamed her for having messed up his relationship with his friend. He blamed her for being stupid. He was staring at her with anger in his eyes. But she lay still. Her breath was heavy all of a sudden. And she was gasping for air. He became worried and grabbed her. She was chill. He panicked and carried her to the car and sped away to a nearby hospital….

In the hospital the nurses couldn’t tell what had happened. They plugged different equipment on her body that pinched her. She lay still. He was holding her hand calling her name. She wasn’t responding. Several needles pierced her skin and she was gasping. He was chided away and the curtains were drawn. Doctors and nurses went in and out of the room. He was pacing through the corridor. He had called his closest friend as he didnt know what else to do. They sat restlessly in the waiting area. They told him nothing for over an hour…

In the emergency room a sudden regular beep and lines on the monitor put a victorious smile on one of the intern’s face. The medicines in her blood stream was finally doing its due. She was kept under observation for couple of hours.

She woke up. The white light above her blinded her. She was feeling nauseous with the smells in the hospital. She could hear machines beep around her. She was calling out for him. Her throat dry. He was called in. He ran upto her and squeezed her hands. “Are you okay baby?” Her body was freezing cold. “Home..”, she whispered and fell asleep.He kissed her forehead and helped her up. He drove her back home watching her curl up in the car seat, thanking his lucky stars.

Ever since that night, Shania was suffering from sharp headaches. She woke up nauseous and her head was heavy. She was taken to different doctors to treat her migraine, which was her diagnosis at first. But little did it help. Finally she was taken to her family doctor. He examined her and she was prescribed medication.

“Anti depressants?”, she was baffled. She laughed. “They actually think I am depressed? This is insane!”, she snorted. He stood in front of her unwilling to listen to her; his hands stretched out and a bottle in his hand. He nudged her and offered the tablets agian. “No!”, she barked.

His eyes narrowed,”Look baby! I don’t know if this is going to work. But I can’t see you blackout like this. You are having nervour breakdowns and you don’t realize it. Because you don’t know! Just do this for me. Think about this as a cure for me.” she couldn’t put up a fight, she took it.

She would sleep for hours; her hunger was erratic. She would have hunger pangs and eat like she had never eaten before and other times , she would starve.

She stayed home and stopped going to work. All she did was sleep and sometimes, very rarely she would read. She hadn’t written in days. And she missed it. So she was determined to write. She began writing recipes in a blog. She missed work, the children and Kate.

One evening, she sat on the porch watching children play. She envied them, she missed being a child; free! She thought about their innocence, about their freedom from adult crap and their beautiful smile. She thought about how she loved being a child. She blanketed herself from all the domestic violence in her house. Her dogs were her world, only they had understood her. She hated herself now. For having become who she never was and never wanted to be. She felt very troubled and hated her existence.

She wondered if her life was worth anything at all! She was angry and frustrated. She banged the door close and jolted in a room. She was looking for something. She was sweating and tears flowed from her eyes. She found a rope and pulled it. Strips of tablets fell on the ground. She starred at them. She grabbed it and popped all of it. She threw the rope around the fan and tied a knot. The medicines kicked in and her eyes were closing. She was fighting it. She held the rope and put it around her neck and closed her eyes….

A cold breeze hit her bare legs. Was this heaven? Had she died? She was unble to open her eyes. They were heavy and her head hurt. She felt a hand hold her. She muscled up all her energy and pushed open her eye lids. It was cloudy and couldn’t see anything. She shut them, rolled her eye balls and opened them again. It was him. His eyes were swollen. His smile was weak. “Just forgive yourself baby. Its really alright! Just forget all this. I forgive you!” He brushed her hair off her face, kissed her and whispered, “Sleep my angel..”

Ending your life is definitely not a solution to problems in your life. It is not bravery but a sheer act of cowardice. Life gives you vulnerable situations and it is up to us to act accordingly. Just like we have happy and joyful moments, sadness and sorrow are as much a part of your life. They make the person who you are. They help you grow.

You will make mistakes that you regret and it is alright! You’ll be hurt, shattered, lifeless and hopeless but learn to fight it all! It does seem easy to end one’s own life and feel you are done with it, but if you have a heart and a conscience remember the people who love you, people who care about you, your mother especially who carried your weight for 9 months and took care of you as you grew up!

But more than anyone or anything, just think about yourself, about how important you are to yourself and how much you need yourself. Your dreams, ambitions, passions and everything you want will just go crashing down and do you think anything is worth letting yourself down? I don’t think so. If you love yourself truly enough to love someone, you wont hurt yourself. No one nor nothing is worth your life!
Shania learnt it the hard way..But she did regret having resorted to such a stupid act. She needed to forgive herself and she began working on it. She used art, cooking, singing, dancing, work and walking to channelize all the negative energy. She knew it was not going to be easy to just become peaceful over night,  but she promised to try everything she could to achieve it. She had lost all her confidence in herself and she needed restructuring of her mind. She probably will get there someday.. She sure will she told herself. She took a deep breath and sat on the edge of the little hill that over looked her beautiful city and sipped on her favourite juice..

– Sue

Lust over love?

Don’t judge a person when they are happy and gay,

It’s not their complete self they say.

You know a person better during their bad times,

How they treat you when they are angry or sad,

Is what actually makes a person good or bad.

If you can let the person you love down,

If you can make them cry, hurt or frown,

It’s not true love you have for her or him,

It’s just that you are attached to them.

I can’t believe I gave my heart to someone,

Who could tear me apart until I was done.

I can’t believe the last night how you thrust youself,

I swallowed the pain and anger and kept to myself.

I wanted to tell you this a hundred times before,

About how I felt that night , felt sore,

But I loved you too much to hurt you anymore.

Why? Why have you left that scar in my mind?

All the while I assumed you were not that kind.

Now I understand why my love was different,

And that incident felt like it was God sent.

Was your bodily urge so great than to just be with me?

Or was it that I was just an object in your eye?

Did I mean just that after all this time?

I could be wrong but it wasn’t right,

Even after all this I couldn’t hate you or put up a fight. 

-Sue

Soul mates!

Something I read that was really beautiful and heart warming. 

I believe that the soul recognises what the mind or body can’t. Because your soul never dies, it’s a form of energy.  Like Newton stated that,”Energy can neither be created nor destroyed, it transforms from one form to another.” As boring as it sounded during Physics class back in school; it makes sense to me when I think of the connection we have with people. You have that instant bond with people you met just yesterday and often times we say “It feels like I’ve known you for years” without understanding why we feel that way. We have that instant comfort which is inexplicable. My soul needed no introduction to you. It knew your soul the monent I met you. They recollect memories they’ve had together, the bond that’s beyond the earthly body. It’s like how tou recognise the scent of someone familiar. 

Thats why you hold on to people and you don’t understand why.

A soul mate is often misunderstood. My soul feels you! And thats what a soul mate is!

Love,

Sue

My precious Max

I was halfway through my shower when my phone rang incessantly.  My heart was heavy,I heard her cry through the phone. ” Its Max “, she said. My heart sank and I could hardly breath. I barked that it was nothing. I said he was going to be okay and nothing was wrong. She whimpered. “Renal failure they said”, she cried. Why him? He was one of the most kind hearted and affectionate dog. He was a baby when he came home, I remember that day when I first saw him. He was shy and reluctant at first but just took him few minutes to become a biggest part of my life and I his. He would have long conversations with me or complain about his day, he’d bring a bottle or his ball to play with or jump into my arms when he saw me. He loved me unconditionally and all he ever wanted was my time. I just had to sit next to him, anywhere,and it made him happy. Often times he would accompany my late night baking orders and he would be treated with his favourite cookie or a bone. He would wait tirelessly even when he would be very sleepy until I give him a go.Max was who I woke up to and kissed goodnight for years. He was adored by all.

10 days of hell.. In and out of hospitals, doctors visiting home, needles piercing through his skin, the smell of medicine and the look on his face, was killing me on the inside. I couldn’t watch him this way. It was making me go insane. He wobbled as he tried to get up and lie on my lap. Lying down next to him was what I looked forward to every night. I told him stories of him growing up, about how I hated to see him in pain and how much I love him.

The dreaded day came, his blood reports, showed that his health was deteriorating. Today it came to my decision to let him be in pain or put him to sleep. I was firm.. I was not going to put him to sleep. 

I placed my hand on his heart and I told him, “Baby I am ready.. I can’t see you in pain any more.. I can’t put you down. Please don’t stay. These needles piercing your skin; I hate it.”

I wrote this when he was still alive. Tonight, he is no more. He was always obedient and he continued it until death. He waited for me and passed away. 

I loved him with all my heart and the thought of not seeing him anymore kills me. But I know he is my angel and he will always guide me and be there in my heart.

I will miss him. 

R.I.P my precious.

Hope to see you in heaven. We’ll spend more time there. 

-Sue

Friendships day means nothing without you!

I woke up Sunday morning to texts and messages from friends and family wishing me for “Friendships” day, but it was just one person I wished, rather longed for a message from. I wish it had never gotten this bad, I wish that he never hated me so much! I wish I could turn back time and he still saw me as his best friend and not the one who tore his heart apart!

I have become oblivious to my feelings,for no amount of guilt or hurt was helping, for I know he has made it clear to everyone that he would never want to see me. Never ever! It did hurt me at first and I still feel burnt inside, but I guess only that can heal him and me. 

I had a dream the same morning.. I dreamt that I had met him at some gathering. But his eyes looked at me differently. They had pure hate and hurt and nothing more. It was probably just a dream, but it was as real as it could get. I then thought to myself, if I ever saw him and he looked at me that way, would I be able to handle it? I doubt it. But then again I console myself that he would never express his hate right to my face….

I ask myself why did I do this! Why did I hurt him and now let him hurt me? 

But a voice inside me said, “he hurts you because he hurts and not because he means to hurt you”. 

 Now I know why I find it difficult not to think of him and our years of togetherness. I miss him and his presence. Our long chats (mostly I talk and he listens), when he used to open up his true emotions and when he looked at me as special! Now I have nothing but emptiness and I don’t think anyone can take that space.. It lies empty forever! I miss my closest and best friend more than anything in this world. And I know I have lost him in my vanity. 

Hope no one ever experiences this pain ever!

Hope you cherish your closest friend and never hurt them like I did!

Happy friendship day!

-Sue

I hate you I love you

I heard this song long ago.. But it popped up on my youtube today.. Few memories flashed. And I thought about how much I used to like this song. It makes so much sense for a broken heart. The lyrics are quite powerful.

I hope you enjoy this version of the Gnash and Olivia’s ‘I hate you I love you’. It used to be a song that I cried to at nights not too long ago. Just wanted to share.. Hope you’ll like it too..

I hate you I love you

Happy listening.

Sue💜