Nostalgia sometimes is killing.

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We didn’t realize we were making memories! We just knew that we were having fun!”

Sue was holding on, as strong as she could be. She boarded the train and she had butterflies in her tummy.

She was heading on a camp, to the same place where once the entire gang of friends went. She dreaded to live the memories and she was nervous. The highway stretched beside the railway track; the usual road they traveled very often to Bengaluru. She felt chocked and stupid!

“If only I could turn back time”, she said under her breath.

She did miss the old days, when they hung out together, spent time as much as they could and no one, no no one was allowed to disrupt “their” time.

Now it was all gone. One mistake that had washed it all away.

Would anyone ever understand what either Loki or Sue felt? Like apart from the mess Sue created, their friendship was something beyond. Loki seldom opened up to anyone, and he did to her; it meant something right? The highway curved along the track and tears trickled down her cheeks. The signboard said “Ambur”, the gang’s usual pitstop for the famous Biriyani, the tender meet and flavorsome rice was always something they never missed. Sue sighed and she was crying a little more.

Her student, who was really close to her, squeezed her hand, “Ma’am are you okay?”.

Sue quickly wiped away her tears, sniffed and nodded. “Just a little lost in thought”, she said.

Quickly the student gathered few others and wanted the entire student body on the train to dance. It was fun. Sue was a little distracted now. The teachers and students danced together and had a good laugh.

They reached their destination and boarded a bus that would take them up the hill. The students were excited and they were all chattering.

Sue, in her world. Flooded with memories and feeling chocked ;the hill climb, when they sped with their little “sound machine”. The car’s speedometer was busted and it showed a whooping “160 kmph” when their speed was not more than “80 kmph”. She remembered what fun that was, taping the speedometer wobble its way to the maximum, laughing and having fun..

She spotted the place where they pulled over for a picture, the place they ate breakfast and drank tea. This trip was definitely going to be tragic, she concluded.

She let out a sigh, took a deep breath and wiped away her tears..

To be continued……..

Friendships day means nothing without you!

I woke up Sunday morning to texts and messages from friends and family wishing me for “Friendships” day, but it was just one person I wished, rather longed for a message from. I wish it had never gotten this bad, I wish that he never hated me so much! I wish I could turn back time and he still saw me as his best friend and not the one who tore his heart apart!

I have become oblivious to my feelings,for no amount of guilt or hurt was helping, for I know he has made it clear to everyone that he would never want to see me. Never ever! It did hurt me at first and I still feel burnt inside, but I guess only that can heal him and me. 

I had a dream the same morning.. I dreamt that I had met him at some gathering. But his eyes looked at me differently. They had pure hate and hurt and nothing more. It was probably just a dream, but it was as real as it could get. I then thought to myself, if I ever saw him and he looked at me that way, would I be able to handle it? I doubt it. But then again I console myself that he would never express his hate right to my face….

I ask myself why did I do this! Why did I hurt him and now let him hurt me? 

But a voice inside me said, “he hurts you because he hurts and not because he means to hurt you”. 

 Now I know why I find it difficult not to think of him and our years of togetherness. I miss him and his presence. Our long chats (mostly I talk and he listens), when he used to open up his true emotions and when he looked at me as special! Now I have nothing but emptiness and I don’t think anyone can take that space.. It lies empty forever! I miss my closest and best friend more than anything in this world. And I know I have lost him in my vanity. 

Hope no one ever experiences this pain ever!

Hope you cherish your closest friend and never hurt them like I did!

Happy friendship day!

-Sue