Anti happiness

Happiness is a state of mind. People say that you are responsible for your pain as well as your happiness. But what if someone’s sadness becomes yours and yours theirs? What if your pain is beyond healing and you are spiteful about life?

Life is unpredictable right!”, she was speaking to the birds. Shania was a lost soul for couple of weeks now. She felt numb. She felt like all the pain had just become one big ball inside her throat. She was rather hiding it all.

Shania was in her own world, she often looked worried and  had to be constantly shook out of it. He was being really supportive despite her mistakes and who she had become.

One day she met with Loki. She was tired of going on and on about their mess. Had she made her point? Did she convey what she intended to or did she mess it up more? She was unsure. She got back home and he was questioning her about why she met Loki and what made her think she was going to solve it on her own? He blamed her for having messed up his relationship with his friend. He blamed her for being stupid. He was staring at her with anger in his eyes. But she lay still. Her breath was heavy all of a sudden. And she was gasping for air. He became worried and grabbed her. She was chill. He panicked and carried her to the car and sped away to a nearby hospital….

In the hospital the nurses couldn’t tell what had happened. They plugged different equipment on her body that pinched her. She lay still. He was holding her hand calling her name. She wasn’t responding. Several needles pierced her skin and she was gasping. He was chided away and the curtains were drawn. Doctors and nurses went in and out of the room. He was pacing through the corridor. He had called his closest friend as he didnt know what else to do. They sat restlessly in the waiting area. They told him nothing for over an hour…

In the emergency room a sudden regular beep and lines on the monitor put a victorious smile on one of the intern’s face. The medicines in her blood stream was finally doing its due. She was kept under observation for couple of hours.

She woke up. The white light above her blinded her. She was feeling nauseous with the smells in the hospital. She could hear machines beep around her. She was calling out for him. Her throat dry. He was called in. He ran upto her and squeezed her hands. “Are you okay baby?” Her body was freezing cold. “Home..”, she whispered and fell asleep.He kissed her forehead and helped her up. He drove her back home watching her curl up in the car seat, thanking his lucky stars.

Ever since that night, Shania was suffering from sharp headaches. She woke up nauseous and her head was heavy. She was taken to different doctors to treat her migraine, which was her diagnosis at first. But little did it help. Finally she was taken to her family doctor. He examined her and she was prescribed medication.

“Anti depressants?”, she was baffled. She laughed. “They actually think I am depressed? This is insane!”, she snorted. He stood in front of her unwilling to listen to her; his hands stretched out and a bottle in his hand. He nudged her and offered the tablets agian. “No!”, she barked.

His eyes narrowed,”Look baby! I don’t know if this is going to work. But I can’t see you blackout like this. You are having nervour breakdowns and you don’t realize it. Because you don’t know! Just do this for me. Think about this as a cure for me.” she couldn’t put up a fight, she took it.

She would sleep for hours; her hunger was erratic. She would have hunger pangs and eat like she had never eaten before and other times , she would starve.

She stayed home and stopped going to work. All she did was sleep and sometimes, very rarely she would read. She hadn’t written in days. And she missed it. So she was determined to write. She began writing recipes in a blog. She missed work, the children and Kate.

One evening, she sat on the porch watching children play. She envied them, she missed being a child; free! She thought about their innocence, about their freedom from adult crap and their beautiful smile. She thought about how she loved being a child. She blanketed herself from all the domestic violence in her house. Her dogs were her world, only they had understood her. She hated herself now. For having become who she never was and never wanted to be. She felt very troubled and hated her existence.

She wondered if her life was worth anything at all! She was angry and frustrated. She banged the door close and jolted in a room. She was looking for something. She was sweating and tears flowed from her eyes. She found a rope and pulled it. Strips of tablets fell on the ground. She starred at them. She grabbed it and popped all of it. She threw the rope around the fan and tied a knot. The medicines kicked in and her eyes were closing. She was fighting it. She held the rope and put it around her neck and closed her eyes….

A cold breeze hit her bare legs. Was this heaven? Had she died? She was unble to open her eyes. They were heavy and her head hurt. She felt a hand hold her. She muscled up all her energy and pushed open her eye lids. It was cloudy and couldn’t see anything. She shut them, rolled her eye balls and opened them again. It was him. His eyes were swollen. His smile was weak. “Just forgive yourself baby. Its really alright! Just forget all this. I forgive you!” He brushed her hair off her face, kissed her and whispered, “Sleep my angel..”

Ending your life is definitely not a solution to problems in your life. It is not bravery but a sheer act of cowardice. Life gives you vulnerable situations and it is up to us to act accordingly. Just like we have happy and joyful moments, sadness and sorrow are as much a part of your life. They make the person who you are. They help you grow.

You will make mistakes that you regret and it is alright! You’ll be hurt, shattered, lifeless and hopeless but learn to fight it all! It does seem easy to end one’s own life and feel you are done with it, but if you have a heart and a conscience remember the people who love you, people who care about you, your mother especially who carried your weight for 9 months and took care of you as you grew up!

But more than anyone or anything, just think about yourself, about how important you are to yourself and how much you need yourself. Your dreams, ambitions, passions and everything you want will just go crashing down and do you think anything is worth letting yourself down? I don’t think so. If you love yourself truly enough to love someone, you wont hurt yourself. No one nor nothing is worth your life!
Shania learnt it the hard way..But she did regret having resorted to such a stupid act. She needed to forgive herself and she began working on it. She used art, cooking, singing, dancing, work and walking to channelize all the negative energy. She knew it was not going to be easy to just become peaceful over night,  but she promised to try everything she could to achieve it. She had lost all her confidence in herself and she needed restructuring of her mind. She probably will get there someday.. She sure will she told herself. She took a deep breath and sat on the edge of the little hill that over looked her beautiful city and sipped on her favourite juice..

– Sue

Lust over love?

Don’t judge a person when they are happy and gay,

It’s not their complete self they say.

You know a person better during their bad times,

How they treat you when they are angry or sad,

Is what actually makes a person good or bad.

If you can let the person you love down,

If you can make them cry, hurt or frown,

It’s not true love you have for her or him,

It’s just that you are attached to them.

I can’t believe I gave my heart to someone,

Who could tear me apart until I was done.

I can’t believe the last night how you thrust youself,

I swallowed the pain and anger and kept to myself.

I wanted to tell you this a hundred times before,

About how I felt that night , felt sore,

But I loved you too much to hurt you anymore.

Why? Why have you left that scar in my mind?

All the while I assumed you were not that kind.

Now I understand why my love was different,

And that incident felt like it was God sent.

Was your bodily urge so great than to just be with me?

Or was it that I was just an object in your eye?

Did I mean just that after all this time?

I could be wrong but it wasn’t right,

Even after all this I couldn’t hate you or put up a fight. 

-Sue

Friendships day means nothing without you!

I woke up Sunday morning to texts and messages from friends and family wishing me for “Friendships” day, but it was just one person I wished, rather longed for a message from. I wish it had never gotten this bad, I wish that he never hated me so much! I wish I could turn back time and he still saw me as his best friend and not the one who tore his heart apart!

I have become oblivious to my feelings,for no amount of guilt or hurt was helping, for I know he has made it clear to everyone that he would never want to see me. Never ever! It did hurt me at first and I still feel burnt inside, but I guess only that can heal him and me. 

I had a dream the same morning.. I dreamt that I had met him at some gathering. But his eyes looked at me differently. They had pure hate and hurt and nothing more. It was probably just a dream, but it was as real as it could get. I then thought to myself, if I ever saw him and he looked at me that way, would I be able to handle it? I doubt it. But then again I console myself that he would never express his hate right to my face….

I ask myself why did I do this! Why did I hurt him and now let him hurt me? 

But a voice inside me said, “he hurts you because he hurts and not because he means to hurt you”. 

 Now I know why I find it difficult not to think of him and our years of togetherness. I miss him and his presence. Our long chats (mostly I talk and he listens), when he used to open up his true emotions and when he looked at me as special! Now I have nothing but emptiness and I don’t think anyone can take that space.. It lies empty forever! I miss my closest and best friend more than anything in this world. And I know I have lost him in my vanity. 

Hope no one ever experiences this pain ever!

Hope you cherish your closest friend and never hurt them like I did!

Happy friendship day!

-Sue

I hate you I love you

I heard this song long ago.. But it popped up on my youtube today.. Few memories flashed. And I thought about how much I used to like this song. It makes so much sense for a broken heart. The lyrics are quite powerful.

I hope you enjoy this version of the Gnash and Olivia’s ‘I hate you I love you’. It used to be a song that I cried to at nights not too long ago. Just wanted to share.. Hope you’ll like it too..

I hate you I love you

Happy listening.

Sue💜

Beloved Narcissist

I woke up this morning as miserable or rather even more than yesterday. I sat on my bed staring at the white walls in my room. It all seemed so distant to me. The air coinditioner made a loud noise and it was interrupting my thoughts. I dreaded mornings and today was nothing different. My eyes well up and I still wonder why! Suddenly the alarm goes off creating a havoc in my room. I rummage through my stuff in the basket trying to find my mobile. (In my anger last night, I tossed it across the room and now its like my mobile’s getting back at me). I finally find it and turn it off.

I groggily do my daily routine; make coffee, tabs, read few pages from a book, feed my fish, soak some clothes and cook. Yeah same thing everyday. Living alone has its pros and cons. And right now I don’t know what weighs more. I sip coffee and tears continue to trickle down my cheek. I don’t think I deserve to do this to myself. I was beginning to doubt if I had any self esteem left in me. Wht did I not one bit hate him yet? Why didn’t I react like he did? I could have said rude things like he did and hurt him back, but I didn’t! Why why why?

Here was a man who demeans me. Treats me like a tramp. Nobody has ever treated me or spoken ill of me this bad ever! And here am I sitting here crying that he thinks so low of me. Maybe he is hurting too or probably even worse, but I am finally focussed on myself! Like my feelings are important to me now, rather, finally! I think I tried empathizing enough! We were adults and no one was a child! Pointing fingers at me probably soothes his pain, but I think I won’t take blame no more!

I sat down with a bowl of muesli and coffee.( Yeah I usually don’t drink two coffees in the morning, but off late coffee is my elixir.) I could barely swallow each spoon of muesli. It felt like my throat was closing up. I felt so choked in pain. I can’t seem to get mad at him and tear him apart. I am so angry but I don’t have the heart to express it. I don’t think I need to either.

I unlock my mobile and I received few messages!

 It made my day today. It made me feel a little clear. I had changed over the past few weeks and I am a different person today. Nothing like yesterday, no nothing like I used to be!

I am a woman.. So heartless… 

I won’t explain myself to anyone anymore! And I won’t kill myself this way!

-Sue

I’ll never forget you!

My player played the saddest songs.. It was like my playlist knew excatly how I felt today..

Gotye sang about his heart being a mess.. Wasn’t mine too? But how? I punched my pillow and let out a heave! We were clear about being together for just a while. How did I let it get twisted? We were not meant to be, I told myself. Tears trickled down my cheek. She warned me in the beginning. She said she wasn’t gonne be there forever,how did I let myself get lost in her charm. Oh yes, she was amazing to be with. “Shania”, I sighed.

Her smile; a million stories to tell,her eyes; treachery and her hair; soft and silky brushed her cheeks. She wasn’t that perfect beauty that media screamed out for women to be, but she was that perfect person from inside. Her heart so pure and raw. She was an angel on the inside and a freakin devil on the outside! I punched my pillow a hundred times,like it was ever going to help!

“Shania!” I cried out loud.

I was sure I was never going to give her my heart, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t help but lose myself in her magical spell.

 “She was a schemer, she broke my heart!”, I told myself. 

But she didn’t lead me on. She always told me that she wouldn’t stay forever. I let myself believe that it would last forever. I hated this misery I put myself through, I have to get over her becasue she would never be mine!

That cursed day when she came by…….

It was summer and I was out with friends for a drink. We were down few Vodka shots. I am not much of a drinker, but it was usually boredom that led to drinking. The pub thronged with people; over crowded tables. The youngsters laughing, singing and talking theatrically,the older ones  trying to enjoy their drinks and food but at the same time glaring at  the loud obnoxious kids and we the midlife ones just glugging drinks, having pointless conversations and gorging on all the junk that was on the menu. The music was blarring amongst all the noise in the room and the smoke, the smell of meat and alcohol engulfed the room.

We ordered our usual, pork ribs, fried sausages, fries, barbecued beef wrapped in bacon strips, pulled pork sandwich, huge bowl of fried mixed nuts and oodles of southwest and chipotle dips to go with all the meat.

Yeah I was having a midlife crisis! I was 29 years, single and owned a library in the town. My life was pretty much dull and mundane and proved to be horrifying at times. I did similar things everyday and monotony prolonged through the weekend; the guys, dinners, drinks and night stays. I wasn’t the kind to venture beyond my comfort zone, let alone pick a girl out of a pub, although I pretended to be ‘that’ guy who prefered casual relationships. I liked the impression the guys had, they thought I was committment phobic and enjoyed one night stands. In reality, I was those serious kinds who believed in true love, soul mates, passion and mystery. I have had relationships in the past but they all lacked spark and so I let them slide. I have never felt “true love”, the kind that makes a man go insane or makes him feel elated.

I got out to breathe some fresh air and obviously to smoke. It was drizzling and the breeze was chilly. I took a wiff of the cigarette and blew out a thick smoke. Suddenly through the smoke passed a girl, choking a bit yet smiling. She grabbed the door and let herself in. I took a peak into the window; her hair was wet, a grey tee clinged to her body and her denims fit her right. She tried to dry herself and suddenly turned around to catch my gaze. Busted! 

What was I thinking? She was way too young and here I was checking her out. She winked and smiled before getting lost in the crowd. I laughed nodding my head and continued smoking. Rooney, Allen and Sam joined me and we continued to breathe in more nicotine. Yeah, drinking and nicotine are best friends! One can’t exist without the other I justified.

We went back in and I don’t know why, but I was scanning the room for her. Her pretty smile and the alcohol in my system is probably the reason why. “Looking for someone?” enquired Rooney. I suddenly snapped out of this illusion, “Oh yeah looking to order some beers dude!” I lied. I went up to the counter and ordered couple of beers. Suddenly there was a pat on my shoulder, it was her! Brown eyes, chubby and cheerful. “Looking for me?” she winked. “Aaahhmmmm” I blushed. “Shania!” she held out her hand, “Lester…. I mean Allester” I responded with a handshake. She giggled. “Nice meeting ya Lester! Care for a drink?” she shoved the beer into my hands before I could open my mouth. We said cheers and even before I could take a sip or two she had polished the bottle.

 “Wow!” it slipped out of my mouth. 

She smiled and ordered for more. We got to talking. I infered she was new to town and she was studying Fashion designing at one of the reputed colleges  here. She was barely 21 which made me feel so old. 

It was past 3am and she was pretty drunk, not that I wasn’t,  yet I offered to walk her home. She could barely walk and almost stumbled at every step. She kept mumbling that she’d never trust someone so soon, however she seemed really comfortable with me. Half way through I realized there was no way I was going to get her home and so I asked her if she wanted to crash at my place with my sister. She was barely awake to answer. Reluctantly I carried her upstairs, she looked peaceful with her arms drapped around my neck.  I put her to bed and my sister stood staring at me. She looked really annoyed but I asked her to be nice and promised her that it was just for a night. She looked really mad at me, because this is not something I have ever done.

Next morning I found a note next to my bed,

Thank ya so much for last night. I had so much fun doode. And yeah, I felt like I was at home.. Thank you once again. I made some coffee for ya sister and ya, hope ya enjoy it. Call me if can: 9738500246

Shania xoxo

I didnt know if I had to call or just let it be. I went about my work and had forgotten about her. Surprisingly it was a busy day. My sister ran a cafe inside the library a d that brought in customers. We had few regulars who would order a coffee and pastry and settle down with a book. My sister would constantly wink at me every time a young lady walked in. She repeatedly said it was time I found someone. But haven’t!

Weeks later I went out for a walk. I lit a  cigarette and suddenly someone snatched it from me, “Damn!”, I was going to throw a fist fight, but I heard that familiar giggle. She took a drag and let out smoke on my face,”angry much?” she asked. 

“Hey Sh……” I was caught off guard. “Oh wow! Forgotten my name? Shania! This was for not calling me back” she blew smoke again.

 “Oh stop it!” I barked. 

She looked a little petrified. She handed the cigarette back to me and stood there digging the ground with her shoes with her head hanging on her neck and a cute pout.
I patted her on her head and she made a puppy face. I was laughing. “Don’t ever make that pout”, I warned her with a smile and she continued doing so. 

I looked at her angrily and we laughed. “Groggy”, she named me. 
We started hanging out more often. She was actually an exchange student she said. So I figured she wasn’t going to be here for too long. I felt so much younger and it was weird how well she got along with me. She spoke about art, books, cooking, cars, computers, philosophy and what not. She was just too smart for her age. She followed me every where, texted me and called me often. She was literally chasing after me.

One night she called asking me to come downstairs. I walked down and she was standing there in a bad shape. Pissed drunk and her eyes welled up with kohl dripping. She tried adjusting her hair as soon as she saw me. I stood there looking at her, a little shocked. She threw herself into my arms. 

“I can’t do this, I just can’t…..” she kept repeating it. I brushed her hair with my fingers hoping it would calm her down. Her words trailed off and she passes out. I called out her name a couple of times shaking her, but she seemed fast asleep. 

 I carried her upstairs and laid her on my bed. I sat beside her and watched her pretty face that lit up with the moonlight cutting across the room.

It was around 2am and I suddenly woke up. I was lying beside her and she was hugging me real tight. I tried to pull away, and she mumbled with her eyes closed, “Stay… Don’t go.. Please…”

“But…..” before I could complete the sentence, she covered my mouth with her fingers.

“Sssshhhhhh”, she whispered.

 I knew this was so wrong and it was just not meant to be. But like I said, she had that magnetic pull which I couldn’t fight.

She woke up next morning all chirpy. “Hungover?” I asked. 

“Oh yeah.. But I feel happy”, she said grabbing the cup of coffee from my hands. 

She gulped it down popping a pill. 

“Anti hangover drug..” she winked. 

I stood there smiling. She got up and threw a hug and I don’t know what got into me, I hugged her back and kissed her on her forehead. She looked at me and blushed.

My mind was telling me ‘bloody hell. Don’t.. Just don’t.. Its not the right thing.. She’s way too young and she’ll be leaving soon.. Nooooooo.. Noooo’.

I felt her plant a kiss on my cheek. ‘God damn it!’

Next thing I knew, we were kissing!

She was so passionate and I felt like a total amateur. She pulled away and threw me a quizzical look.

 “Have you kissed anyone before?” her question was a little blunt.

“I have.. I mean. I havent loved anyone so much to…” I wanted to bang my head to the wall. What the hell was I saying? 

She giggled and raised an eyebrow. “Love huh?” she mocked me.

“Oh no no I didn’t mean that….”

She laughed and her eyes looked at me differently.

She put her hands around my neck and lifted herself to wrap her legs around my hip.

 She seductively whispered, “Shhhhhh… Just follow my lead.. ” 

My hands supported her bossoms and we kissed. So deep and so passionate.I could taste traces of vodka in her mouth. It was intoxicating. I couldn’t stop and neither did she. It was just so perfect. Yeah! I had fallen in love with her. So weird yet so beautiful..

We continued to meet often and we talked for hours. Nothing had changed between us, except for kissing every now and then. We were like magnets. So attracted to each other.

She left off for a 3 day trip and it was probably the worst 3 days of my life. But you know how it is. Devil inside me began his workshop and I got lonely and weird thoughts haunted me. ‘Maybe she was just using me until she was here. Maybe I actually don’t love her.. Maybe she isn’t the one.. I have to tell her I am not looking for a serious relationship. I definitely don’t wanna marry her……’ it was like a plague that was going to tarnish me and my life which I just didnt realize.
She was due to come back the next morning. I sat staring at my mobile. I received a text from her…

Bae.. We missed the flight.. Looks like I will be back day after.. Sorry.. Hope you are well. Cya soon.. xoxo..’

I was a little disappointed. I lay on my bed thinking of her.

I didn’t want to reply. But hesitantly replied saying okay..

Next afternoon I received another text from her..

Bae.. Need a huge favour.. Can you go to our usual coffee shop.. I have lost my keys and I called to check. They said they had it. Can you pick it for me please. Sorry to bother ya bae. Xoxo..’

‘Will go right away babe… Will let you know once I pick it up.. Should I pick you up from the airport tomorrow?‘ I replied.

Can you bae? I’d love that.. Only if its okay’ 

‘See you in the morning babe.’ I texted back.
I drove to the coffee shop. Checking my mobile I went upto the man in the counter. Suddenly I noticed a familiar face. My heart sank. She sat there giggling looking at my face!

“Baby!” I exclaimed. 

I slumped on the chair and held her hands. 

“Oh my! You had the cutest expression ever bae.. You looked so damn adorable” she smiled her prettiest smile.

It was probably the best surprise I ever had. I had fallen more in love.

Few days later we had a fight and the devil dawned on me again. I spat words of despise and ended the conversation saying, “Baby I wanna just ask, you ain’t going to ask me to marry you right? This is not those serious relationships right?”

He face crumpled. She always shuts me off when she’s upset. And she shut me off! She got up and left.. She closed the door behind and left…

I hadn’t heard from her for days.. It was just crazy yet again. How stupid could I be. She never mentioned but I know that one question had doomed us.

Weeks later I received a message from her,”I miss you bae”. 

I felt so relieved. I called her and we talked. I apologised genuinely and she forgave me. 

Again, we were back to normal. We went on trips, coffee, movies, dinners, drinks and all the fun. She often cupped my face tenderly and smiled. She’d often watch me asleep for hours or fall asleep in my arms until day. Her moods would swing like a pendulum. Sometimes she’d switch from being really sad to dancing and singing around the house or she’d be smiling and one word could tick her off. She was a piece of work.. And it wasn’t that rosey at all. We alternated living in each other’s house. My sister rarely approved of her around and so I mostly stayed at hers.
As days went by something was amiss. She felt a little distant each day. I blamed it on her erratic mood swings.But it wasn’t so..

 A week later I went to her house to pick her up.. The door was locked. There a was note. My body froze. It read, 

‘Check your mailbox.

Love,

Shania’

My heart skipped a beat.

I ran home and there was a little brown package. It had a pretty blue bow. I tore the wrapper open and inside was a little bottle painted with glass and acrylic colors and tea lights in a clusters shoved inside the bottle.

 The bottle read “I’ll never forget you!”

And there she had left.. Without a goodbye and no reason why..

 I don’t know where to go from here. How do I go on?
Shania! My strength and now my misery..

Endless love 💜

​”Endless love”.. 

It was rather a beautiful movie. 

A movie about summer love, passion, trust and turbulences. 

David and Jade fall in love and they fight to make it work.. 

“A love so big, so strong, it never dies, never fades, never loses its electricity….”

Keeping love alive is not easy.. Its a lot of work. A relationship needs time and effort.. Would you cherish it if it was that easy?

“True love is that you always put first.. That makes you wanna be good and do better… “

If it didnt drive you insane yet at the same time help you keep sane, it ain’t love.. Love drives you crazy and also makes you a better person. You help each other to grow as a person. Love doesn’t mean to  curtail another…. It simply means to liberate yourself from all the shackles and be true to that ‘one’ person. Be your true self without having to pretend.. 
But sometimes, when its gone, a piece of you dies with it.. It is painful.. You mourn for days.. Probably for years.. Maybe a lifetime.. But memories last forever.. 

Right there, don’t let it drown you! Let it be the reason you have to put yourself together. Think of good times and all that wonderful things that made you a better person.. It happened for a reason, didnt it? You did love every moment of it, didn’t you? Make this pain your strength to fight battles in life!

“Time helps.. Its slow and painful.. But it works… Talking helps.. Going out with other people.. Seeing friends.. She’ll be like a book you read long ago..”



Is that true?Will all the pain set you free if you try? Is this the end? Is this really ending now? All our endless love…..

-Sue