Choices!

I woke up with a heavy heart this morning.. ummm.. rather this afternoon.. I haven’t been this lazy in a while, and I am enjoying every moment of it! I felt lost in thought and I just wasn’t able to understand what exactly I felt. I felt stagnant. Like my life was becoming mundane and orderly and funnily I hate it that way! I don’t like predictability and that’s a flaw everyone sees in me, but I think it is my strength! It probably stems from being creative.

Why should life be predictable and “set”? Why can’t it be more…. I don’t know.. like free! Everything we do HAS to be attached to something and I honestly don’t understand why it has to be that way? Our lives are planned and we just lead it and we forget to ‘live’ it! IF we were living, how come we don’t enjoy the simplicity of things and not want to just look at the complexities of life? How do we live simple, you may ask? It’s like we are all running a race, and we have blinkers on like horses, just focus on the destination and not the journey? Materialistic world teaches us how to achieve more and more and compete with people around you and in turn we forget that we compete with people we love, these people who are a big part of our lives, be it your family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, who ever, aren’t they who comprise your life? Why compete like race horses against your own? Who sets standards of achievement? Why can’t one feel achievement in what they do rather than comparing it with so called ‘societal standards’?

I wanna make choices that are mine and whether I regret it or be proud of it, must be mine to choose!

Well that reminds me of an incident! I was at a family gathering and yeah, my brother and I are like the black sheep. Why? We haven’t achieved much and that simply in our community means that haven’t settled in “AMERICA!!!!!!!” Big deal huh? But my brother has a concession, he travels to the US and he is a budding music director, and that puts him on a higher pedestal. I have been purely proud of his achievements(I will never tell him that though) and I don’t feel competitive with him. It’s simple.. He is different from me. I love my job as a teacher and I love the friends (hardly any left now, but yeah 2 or 3 of them) I have and the life I lead by travelling and biking sometimes baking and painting. So that’s that. But NO! my family had to make a big deal of this petty life that I live. So my aunt walked up to me while I was eating and asked me this one question, the one question that gave me an answer to what  I was doing, who I was and how I fell more in love with my life.

She said, “Did you not find a job at all, and so you settled for teaching? I could ask my son (my cousin,who was a big loser in his marriage and his half baked knowledge in medicine made me sick and he lived off his parents’ money, but owns a Porsche!!!) to put in a word in these big companies in here! You could move from Chennai(the city I loved with all my heart) and settle in Hyderabad(the upcoming wannabe city, no offence!). What do you say?”

I was flabbergasted! First of all she had the nerve to ask me about my decisions in life! I quit a job that was paying me 3 times more to “BECOME” a teacher! My eyebrows shot up and I had a smirk on my face.

I looked her in the eye and said to her, “I chose to become a teacher, simply because, I don’t want any more losers like your son in my country who lives off their parents’. I want to raise kids who can stand up for themselves, live off with whatever little they are earning and choose a career that inspires them rather than that that which impresses others!”

I saw her jaws drop! I was not the kinds who would give it back to my father’s side of the family. I always was goody little two shoes according to them. But what she said today was disregard to my integrity and disrespectful to the freedom and independence my parents gave me!

I walked out with my head held high and never felt this tall(I am super tall for a girl in reality!).

This told me just one thing! Love yourself no matter what! You might make the wrong decisions and choices, trust the wrong people or lose your favorite people, you might lose money, you could lose anything big or small but never lose heart! No one but yourself must have the highest regard and trust that you will soar high no matter how hard it might get! I found myself in these past couple months. I had lost touch with the person I used to be, the narcissist that I was, was buried too deep and I am digging her out bit by bit simply because that person had believed in herself and never gave up on herself nor did she drive herself to the extreme to wanting to end life! She was a fighter, she faced it all and fought real hard. She was ‘Joan of arc/ Rani Laskshmi Bai’!  And I think I want her back.

Robert Frost said, “Two roads diverged in yellow woods, and I took the one less traveled”, I’d say take the one that you want to travel on, don’t choose the road for any other reason!

Speaking of roads, I think I want to go on a trip! I am going to travel and discover more about myself! I’ll probably write on the go!

But until then….

Don’t give up, don’t give in, it’s your life to live,

Don’t lose hope, life is transaction you take and you give.

There is hope even when you find yourself in the deepest mess,

You can bring yourself up, but never think of yourself as any less!

 

“You won’t know the end of the tunnel, until you get into one!”~Sue

 

Beloved Narcissist

I woke up this morning as miserable or rather even more than yesterday. I sat on my bed staring at the white walls in my room. It all seemed so distant to me. The air coinditioner made a loud noise and it was interrupting my thoughts. I dreaded mornings and today was nothing different. My eyes well up and I still wonder why! Suddenly the alarm goes off creating a havoc in my room. I rummage through my stuff in the basket trying to find my mobile. (In my anger last night, I tossed it across the room and now its like my mobile’s getting back at me). I finally find it and turn it off.

I groggily do my daily routine; make coffee, tabs, read few pages from a book, feed my fish, soak some clothes and cook. Yeah same thing everyday. Living alone has its pros and cons. And right now I don’t know what weighs more. I sip coffee and tears continue to trickle down my cheek. I don’t think I deserve to do this to myself. I was beginning to doubt if I had any self esteem left in me. Wht did I not one bit hate him yet? Why didn’t I react like he did? I could have said rude things like he did and hurt him back, but I didn’t! Why why why?

Here was a man who demeans me. Treats me like a tramp. Nobody has ever treated me or spoken ill of me this bad ever! And here am I sitting here crying that he thinks so low of me. Maybe he is hurting too or probably even worse, but I am finally focussed on myself! Like my feelings are important to me now, rather, finally! I think I tried empathizing enough! We were adults and no one was a child! Pointing fingers at me probably soothes his pain, but I think I won’t take blame no more!

I sat down with a bowl of muesli and coffee.( Yeah I usually don’t drink two coffees in the morning, but off late coffee is my elixir.) I could barely swallow each spoon of muesli. It felt like my throat was closing up. I felt so choked in pain. I can’t seem to get mad at him and tear him apart. I am so angry but I don’t have the heart to express it. I don’t think I need to either.

I unlock my mobile and I received few messages!

 It made my day today. It made me feel a little clear. I had changed over the past few weeks and I am a different person today. Nothing like yesterday, no nothing like I used to be!

I am a woman.. So heartless… 

I won’t explain myself to anyone anymore! And I won’t kill myself this way!

-Sue